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January 16, 2013

There is no guidebook, no definitive list, to tell us what’s an aphrodisiac and what is not. It’s often a matter of trial and error.

The word aphrodisiac comes from the name Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and fertility. She was also a total slut, bangin’ Ares all the time (among others) and cuckolding poor old Hephaestus. She popped out kids left and right, including Priapus, who was known for his gargantuan 24/7 erection, and Hermaphrodites, a bisexual who eventually joined forces with a water nymph.

And yet despite Aphrodite’s sordid affairs and highly unusual offspring, we are still able to appreciate the great power of the aphrodisiac. A food, drink, or elixir that ignites our sexual desires. Sadly, however, there is no guidebook, no definitive list, to tell us what’s an aphrodisiac and what is not. It’s often a matter of trial and error.

Below are several items that I learned first-hand do not have the desired effect. I had high hopes for them all, thinking in every case that my woman and I would be compelled to pounce on each other with a most righteous post-prandial passion. I was wrong about every damn one.

Sockeye Salmon: Despite the provocative name and enlivening fact that Salmon swim upstream to do the fish sex, this one totally bombed. We both had bad breath afterwards and the pink filets were gross to look at.

Super Burritos: This one’s pretty self-explanatory in retrospect. I felt really bloated afterwards and my woman almost shit her pants.

Calamari: Really, really anti-climactic. I tried to keep her in the mood by saying the words "squid" and “octopus” salaciously throughout the meal, but to no avail.

Sausage: I thought this was a sure bet, but watching my woman pierce the skin of a sausage with her teeth again and again proved to be something of a turn-off. I was a little freaked out afterwards and spent the night on the couch.

Ouzo: In something of a tribute to Aphrodite, we got a bottle of this famous Greek aperitif. It was disgusting. I had a lot of it, thinking that might spice things up a bit. It became clear later that night that I’d had too much though, and things were awkward between us the next morning.

Bull Testicles: Complete waste of money. I couldn't even bring myself to try one, the thought of it was so repulsive. And despite her established fondness for human balls, my woman wouldn't eat one either.

Fernet: See Ouzo above.

In the coming weeks I plan to test the aphrodisiac potential of: Crab Cakes, Turkey (dark meat), Pesto, Shark Fin, and Manischewitz. All of my findings will eventually be collected in the form of a book, tentatively titled “Not Aphrodisiacs."

Originally published on TheImpersonals.com