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December 17, 2015
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The 3300’s of Burge experienced its first Purge on Thursday night when students found their RA Bill had left for his two hour Biochem final.

IOWA CITY, IA- The 3300’s of Burge experienced its first Purge on Thursday night when students found their RA had left for his two hour Biochem final. Bill Dawson says he returned to his residents at 10PM and found them in “utter chaos.”

Eyewitnesses say it didn’t take long for students to realize their RA was gone, and that soon all rules and regulations were temporarily suspended. “It all started when Devin shredded our roommate agreement right in front of me,” says freshman David Baumbach. “When I reached for the door to tell Bill, he started cackling. He taunted me, and said Bill would be gone for two whole hours.”

Students say that before long smoke detectors were removed, visitors weren’t being signed in, and numerous candles were lit. One anonymous source claims that, upon hearing the news, his roommate dropped and started pleasuring himself. “He was shaking hands with the devil,” the witness says, “and looking me straight in the eye the whole time. That was how I knew the Purge had begun.”

“Within the hour, the trash room was transformed into a black market of sorts. You could buy anything there: cigarettes, test answers, condoms…” says Baumbach. “Devin even set up some poker tables and started running a gambling ring.”

The timid Sean Carson was trapped in his room for the entire two hours as hallway sports were being played just outside his room. He claims to have resorted to lighting roman candles, hoping a passerby would see his signal; his efforts went unnoticed.

“The showers became essentially a no-man’s land,” Dawson said, examining the scene upon his return. “Students had dressed themselves in chains and tires, and formed factions and street gangs.”

“God help you if you had to go during the Purge,” says Baumbach. “The largest gang, the Pod Boys, would charge up to $15 a flush, and gave one hell of a swirly.”

Fortunately, Dawson says he had little trouble getting students back in line when he returned from his test. “They seemed pretty tuckered out,” he said. “I think they got it all out of their system. They all promptly went to take their 10:30PM naps. In a way, maybe the Purge was a success.”


Jeff Lehman is a recent graduate of the University of Iowa English program. He performs stand up and improv around Iowa City, and co-hosts The Secret Attic, a monthly stand-up show case. You can follow him on Twitter at @Dostojeffsky.

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