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October 18, 2013

Owners of offensively-named sports teams are a proud, misunderstood people.



That is what I keep asking myself. How has it come to this? 
For generations, my people (wealthy, white team owners) have used crude Native American stereotypes as logos for our football, baseball and hockey franchises. Some see this tradition as cruel, but they are ignorant of our ancient ways. You see, my people use every part of the stereotype - not just the big-nosed, beet-colored caricatures; but the outdated, slur-like terminology; the mocking "woo-woo" chants; and the traditional tomahawk-chop motions used by our ancestors as far back as the settlement of the Atlanta Braves in 1966. We waste nothing. It is our way. 
For big, long time now, my people have lived as one with the Stereotype, and, in turn, the Stereotype has provided us with a great many things. Like t-shirt revenue, and hat revenue, and Starter jacket revenue. Mouse pads were pretty big for a while there but sales have sort of dropped off. HOWever, the sacred Stereotype does more than provide my people with life-sustaining merchandising dollars, it also teaches us valuable lessons in tolerance and understanding. Namely, that we don't have to tolerate any criticism from anyone, ever, and ya'll best be understanding it. We are a proud people, so fuck you for trying to shame us, you liberal pussies. 
That last line was a traditional poem of my people, the white billionaire tribe, entitled "NEVER (And You Can Use Caps)". It is a mournful expression of the suffering we endure each time you attack us with calls for changing our sacred team names. Your derisive cries of "Yeah, I dunno, maybe it's at least worth considering changing it" and "it's up to them but it seems like it's not the worst idea in the world" cut us like blades and make us cry single tears for many moons in our ceremonial sweet-ass jacuzzi tubs. 
So the next time you carelessly toss around words like "change" and "obviously offensive" and "c'mon, man, it's 2013, stop being an asshole", know that you are demeaning an entire people's rich cultural tradition of being rich and demeaning an entire people's cultural tradition. 
How…dare you, America?
Chief (Executive Officer) Dan Snyder, Richasole Tribe