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August 30, 2016

Are you telling your partner about EVERYTHING? Even that sexy mannequin you saw?

What’s the secret to a healthy open relationship? Well, the secret is to have no secrets at all! Communication is key. If you start hiding any of your sexy encounters, not matter how small or incidental, your main squeeze might start to feel more like a side piece.

And in case you’re not sure what “counts” in an open arrangement, we’ve compiled this list of sexy encounters your partner deserves to know about.

You should let your open-relationship partner know…

  • If you begin a new sexual relationship.
  • If you begin a new romantic relationship.
  • If you are sexy texting, or “sexting.”
  • If you are regular texting, but believe that it could turn into sexy texting.
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Give your partner a heads up ‘cause we all know where this is headed…

  • If you masturbate. For full transparency, maintain a detailed “spank diary” and present it to your partner at the end of each week.
  • If you watch/read/listen to pornography. For full transparency, use iMovie to make a “supercut” of all the pornographic material you consume and present it to your partner at the end of each week.
  • If you have a sexy dream about someone else. To be on the safe side, try to tell your partner while you are still dreaming, even if that means getting past the Snake King in the Volvo your mother drove when you were growing up.
  • If you watch a sexy scene in a film or television show. Try to determine if it was the actual visual depictions of intercourse that aroused you or the film/show’s effective storytelling.
  • If see a sexy advertisement. Try your best to determine if it was the physical appearance of the actor/model/mascot that aroused you or your emotional relationship to the product/service being advertised.

Are you “cuckoo” for Cocoa Puffs or are you “cuckoo” for Sonny? Your partner deserves to know.

  • If your are at the laundromat and catch a glimpse of someone else’s underwear.
  • If you are at the grocery store and catch a glimpse of fresh produce that resembles any piece of human genitalia.

No one ever said that honesty was easy, but if you see a potato shaped like a penis and balls, you need to let your open relationship partner know.

  • If you look at any nude or semi-nude statuary, no matter how artistic.
  • If you look at an nude or semi-nude mannequins, no matter how artistic.

If your open relationship is going to last, your partner needs to know about each and every sexy mannequin you see.

  • If you run into a sexy friend on the street.
  • If you see a sexy stranger on the street.
  • If you see a sexy dog on the street.

We’re not condoning bestiality. We’re encouraging honesty.

  • If you hear/read a dirty limerick. Try to determine if you are more aroused by the limerick’s contents or it’s inherently pleasing sense of pattern and rhyme.
  • If you find one of those pens they sell at gas stations where if you turn it upside down the lady’s underwear falls off.

It may be tempting to keep this sexy pen a secret, but is it worth risking your relationship? (Image VIA)

  • If you put a straw in a Capri-Sun pouch.
  • If you eat at a restaurant and are seated at the communal table.
  • If you send a letter that requires you to lick an envelope or stamp.
  • If you shop at Dick’s Sporting Goods.
  • If you watch “xXx” starring Vin Diesel.
  • If you watch “xXx: State of The Union” starring Ice Cube DO NOT tell your partner. This is the one exception. This can be your dirty lil’ secret.