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July 12, 2016

JoJo is still in Argentina with six guys riding horses, stomping grapes and making out in hot tubs.

Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 7-11-16, the one where they are in Argentina and a bunch of stuff happens with horses. Spoilers, obviously.

Before I get into last night’s episode, I want you all to know that I read the comments and I know that last week I was calling the short guy the wrong name…his name is Alex, not Adam. Or Adam, not Alex. Honestly I don’t know and I don’t care.

1. It’s a HUGE Episode

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Chris Harrison providing a service that no one needs

Anyway, as JoJo herself says at the beginning, tonight is a HUGE episode! There are six guys left and she thinks she might be falling for more than one of them. And I don’t blame her. They all look the same so how could you not fall for them all?

Chris Harrison visits the guys to let them know what’s going on. He tells them that JoJo is a strong woman. DUH! THANKS, CHRIS!! Can you go now? No, he can’t. He has to deliver more information that we could have gotten from anyone else via interview and voice over. He tells us anyway. Roses will only be given on the group date, not the one on ones. Also, next week is hometown dates. Wow! This is a huge episode, I guess. Though it depends what you consider huge? A reality show following the schedule we have grown accustom to for so many years is actually not that huge.

2. All the White Guys are Rapping

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After whining like a baby for the first ten minutes, Alex gets the first one on one. OH! HIS NAME IS ALEX!! Got it. It’s on the card. Ok. Alex fluffs his hair up way high so that he can be almost as tall as JoJo. They share an awkward ride in the back of a Jeep where they thumb wrestle, eat chips and sit in silence. Alex tries to save it by talking about wheat. Ugh, this guy is the worst. Even when he was going David vs Goliath against Chad I didn’t like him. I’m not on board.

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This is not a sexy way to eat chips

The dudes not on the date take a bus to their next stop, which they complain about, but it’s actually kind of cool looking. To pass the time on their road trip they - OH NO THEY ARE RAPPING. They are rapping. WHY ARE THEY RAPPING??? Why does it make me so uncomfortable when white boys rap? AHHHHH PLEASE STOP.

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Then back in Alex’s car he is saying that he can freestyle anything! OH NO ALEX IS RAPPING TOO!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?

3. A Gaucho Sedates a Horse

Anyone here an animal rights activist?

Alex and JoJo get to the activity part of their date and they are going to be hanging with a gaucho. Which is apparently someone who sedates horses? This dude hypnotizes a horse to lay down and go on its back and the dude sits on it and JoJo says it’s beautiful so I want to like it but honestly it looks like the guy drugged the horse. Like did someone inject it with pain killers? This is too weird. Then gaucho tells them they can spoon the horse. WHAT IS HAPPENING? He knocked this horse out and then strangers can lay on it? What type of animal rights laws are there in Argentina? This is allowed? I don’t think I’m comfortable with this.

They spoon the horse, kiss over its sedated face and then Alex tells her, “I’m your goocho.” NOPE!!! FUCKING CHRIST. I’m calling him Adam again. JoJo sweetly corrected him, but Adam’s days are numbered. Let’s get shorty outta here so he can find his own shawty.

4. JoJo is Not Excited by Adam’s Love

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They head to dinner where Adam takes off that dumb hat he was wearing. There’s a bunch of making out and Adam is all over confident with his hairy arms. He tells JoJo he fell in love with her the second he saw her and he’s so excited to tell her about his love. Then, RECORD SCRATCH. JoJo says she’s not super pumped to hear that he loves her. And she doesn’t think she would get to the point of being super pumped so she has to send him home. He says it sucks and he is on his way! Bye Alex. Adam. Dude. Whatever your name is! Now I don’t have to learn it.

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5. JoJo and Jordan Drink Feet Juice

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Thirsty for feet? I am!

Jordan gets the next one on one and they are off to a vineyard. They stomp grapes in a barrel and then put their glasses in that same barrel that their feet were in and then they DRINK IT. That’s not how making wine works is it? There’s not something it runs through? People just drink chunky wine from the barrel they stomped it in? Again, what are the rules in Argentina about germs and feet juice? No rules? Cool. They’ll just drink it and say it’s good.


Later at dinner, Jordan tells JoJo he wants to take him to meet his family. He confesses that he is estranged from his famous football playing brother, Aaron Rodgers. He makes it sound amicable, but I want that juicy gossip and can’t wait to see all the Rodgers next week talk around their family scandal!

6. A Rain Date Leads to A Dumb Date

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Let’s be cozy and cramped and stuck inside today!

It’s raining in Argentina so instead of the outdoorsy date they had planned, plan B is to sit around in JoJo’s uncomfortable hotel room playing games. They play pictionary, celebrity using some Bachelor publicity photos that happen to be lying around and truth or dare. James Taylor brings what he calls his “A game” to the date by stuffing 25 french fries in his mouth and gagging. That is so not a front runner thing to do.

Robbie gets dared to run through the hall in his underwear and tops it off with the flash of his butt. James Taylor gets jealous so he starts making up stuff about Robbie looking at other girls. I guess JoJo thinks this is something to be concerned about it. Later he tells her he ended his last relationship only 4 months ago. Haven’t they been shooting for two months? When did he apply to be on the show? This timeline is a little tight and I think that’s the thing to be concerned about.

7. Luke Should Be on the Cover of a Romance Novel

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Who is this dude?? Passion of the Luke over here. He’s a real horse whisperer. He’s not just putting a sleeper hold on the horse and sending it to the ground. He can shoot skeet. He’s a veteran. He’s from Texas. He’s a man in the sense of the word that’s cliche and old timey but he pulls it off and I like him! They spend their date with horses and lounging in a stable. It really feels like a steamy novel about a stable boy who has his way with JoJo on top of the haystacks. Hot stuff, LUKE!!!

8. Long Neck James Goes Home

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James the nerdy dude made it very far considering the other guys are carbon copies of the same hot dude with slight beards, but his time has come. He does not get a rose and won’t be taking JoJo home to meet his family. JoJo and JT cry about it together and it’s kind of sweet, but JT seems like the type of guy that won’t take no for an answer. He’ll stalk JoJo for years and then show up at her kids soccer game in seven years hoping he still has a chance. Get him outta here!

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All four guys look alike and also seem like they could be her brothers. So tune in next week when we see how each stubbly man’s family takes to JoJo.