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February 23, 2012

If restaurants were honest, this is what they would really say.


Honestly Honest Restaurant Slogans


I am not involved in advertising. This is mostly because I consider myself an honest person. I’m not saying that people in advertising are necessarily dishonest; I’m just saying they would sell their soul to Satan if they could get someone to buy their product.

Hey, it’s a tough economy. People are going to do whatever it takes to survive. If you sell your soul to Satan, or hell, even sell your body to Charlie Sheen, I’m not going to judge. I’m not here to judge.

To get by in this rough economy, I devised a list of slogans that restaurants can pay me to use if having truly honest slogans appeals to them.

McDonalds- Where’s the beef? Not in our burgers.

Burger King- Have it (heart disease) your way.

Taco Bell- Think outside the bun but inside the bathroom

KFC- Who knew cruelty to chickens could taste so good?

Arby’s- Eating Curly Fries: The cutest way to clog your arteries.

Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr.-Attractive women in commercials pretend to eat our food, so yeah, you should eat here.

Applebee’s- Five-star dining for rednecks

Subway- Subway; pretend to lose weight and eat kind of fresh.

Long John Silvers- Our fish have enough grease to start a grease fire large enough to take out 75 percent of the world’s rainforests.

Chuck E. Cheese- Your creepy middle school teacher’s favorite restaurant.

Dominos- Our food has actually been so bad that we have made commercials about it.

Pizza Hut- Generic Pizza has never tasted this mediocre.

Denny’s- All binge drinking eventually leads here.

Starbucks- The place where unfinished screenplays are born.

White Castle- The leading cause of having to use a gas station bathroom.

Hooters- In addition to seeing cleavage, you can actually eat food here.

Olive Garden- Rednecks didn’t know there were six-star restaurants…until they came here.