Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has made it abundantly clear that he is unhappy with the current immigration policy of the United States. But he also just realized that his wives are usually immigrants. In a memo, he explains what that means for his immigration policy proposals.
FROM THE DESK OF DONALD J. TRUMP
Real estate developer, author, TV star, politician, BILLIONAIRE :-)
So you guys know how I’ve been spouting all of this anti-immigration nonsense during my presidential campaign? I think Mexicans are rapists, I want to build a classy wall to separate the U.S. from its neighbors that Mexico will pay for, blah blah blah.
Welp, someone just pointed out to me that two-thirds of my wives have been immigrants. Including my current wife. Shit. :-O
How did I not realize this sooner? My first wife’s full name is Ivana Maria Zelníčková. Zelníčková! What the hell is that thing over the c? Nothing American. And my current wife Melania has a set of cat-like eyes only possible in an Eastern European beauty. Ugh, she must think I’m a real asshole for saying all of this garbage about immigrants. And while Marla Maples was American, let’s be real — she was my least favorite of my wives. By far! Can you even think of any facts about Marla Maples? That’s how American she is. :-(
Wow. Maybe this means that I do like immigrants? Maybe I love immigrants? Maybe I love immigrants so much that I want to fuck them and share a Pizza Hut stuffed-crust pizza with them on TV and help them create their own QVC home shopping network jewelry line with my vast sums of money and let them run their manicured hands through my amazing hair? NO. BE STRONG, DONALD. :-/
You know, now that I realize that two of my three wives have been immigrants, it all makes sense:
- Immigrants are extremely lazy. My wives sit around doing nothing all day but spend my hard-earned money. I run a very expensive welfare state on the Upper East Side!
- Immigrants take away jobs from hard-working Americans. An American broad could be giving me a blow job each night instead of this Slovene who didn’t even bother to become a U.S. citizen until after she married me.
- Immigrants overstay their welcomes. Once I decide I want out of a marriage, these women continue to haunt me with alimony payments. >:-(
So as we can all agree, immigrants are the worst, and we don’t want them here. Except for one thing: What if I need another immigrant to marry? When I get married again — which obviously I will because you gotta keep it fresh — I’ll inevitably want to marry another immigrant woman. What can I say! Immigrant women are my kryptonite! They’re my type! ;-P
Therefore, I am making one teeny-tiny change to my immigration stance. As your president, I will pass an executive order allowing only myself to import any women I want from abroad. Think of it as a personal exemption I get to have because I’m special and rich and The Donald and the president. =D
But don’t get any ideas, Mexican ladies, because I know you’re all out to rape me!!!! (JK if you’re hot, I’ll marry you!) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯