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Published June 15, 2008 More Info »
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Published June 15, 2008

I was reading the phone book the other day.  The White Pages.  Had to kill some time.  If you read the White Pages you know there's NO plot at all.  Lots of characters, but no plot.  I don't usually do this but I read the last page FIRST to see how it ends.  After a few pages I decided to not see the movie, no matter who's in it.  Movies rarely do the book justice, and this one is a hard one to put down, a real page-turner.

If you're wondering why I was reading the phone book the truth is I have to read something or I cannot poop.  I believe it to be a medical phenomenon; my eyes are somehow connected to my butt.  I eat, I read, I poop.

There's a LOT of John Smiths in there.  Supposedly a very common name, right?  In the phone book Anyone reading this named John Smith?  Anyone reading this KNOW a John Smith?  Imaginary characters from a Disney film don't count.

Get this.  Once I got a phone call and the caller-id read "John Smith".  I thought "great, I finally meet a John Smith!"  My life will be complete, I think.  Or nearer complete.  Not completion.  Just nearer.

I said what anyone would say in this situation: "Hello?"

John Smith says, "Oh I must have the wrong number."

You ever get this after saying "hello"?  The person decides after ONE word they have dialed the wrong number.  I feel it was a test that I failed by saying "hello" incorrectly. and my "hello" skills aren't good enough.  I admit, I rarely practice saying "hello", only once or twice an year.  Maybe I should step it up to 50 or 60 times a day till I get the hang of it. 

And it's not "I have the wrong number", it's "I MUST have the wrong number", because I completely fouled it up.  Realizing the unlikely odds of ever talking to another John Smith I quickly said: "JOHN?" 

I'm thinking, John! John Smith! Buddy! I feel like I know you!  I've seen your name many times.  I read about you in the phone book.  Won't tell you how it ends, but you're a main character for sure.  

John Smith said, "---oh, who is this?"

I had him where I wanted him.  John Smith on the other end of the line, asking who I was...despite having dialed the phone, he is uncertain of my identity...perhaps there should be an answerer-id to correspond with the caller-id!  This would avoid blaming ME FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO SAY "HELLO" PROPERLY! 

"You MUST have the wrong number!", I shouted, and hung up the phone.

I'm still reading the phone book, even tough I know how it ends.

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