This is why I got into writing. For this moment right here. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Charlie Sheen.
ME: Sir, my colleagues and I bow to you.
THE SHEENSTER: And you should. You bow now. Now you bow. To the cow. How now brown cow.
ME: … Right.
SHEEN: I know I’m right.
ME: You have exploded this month, Charlie. Can I call you "Charlie?"
SHEEN: You can call me whatever you want. I suppose it’s in your right. Just don’t call me a loser. Cause I am WINNING. I’m a Tyrannosaurus Rex riding an A-Bomb down Time Square while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
ME: I’m… I’m not sure I underst-
SHEEN: Run my muzzle down the hershey highway and I’ll eat your brains, Maggot Fist.
ME: What the fuck are you talk…? You know what, nevermind. Tell me about how this massive attention has affected you.
SHEEN: Affected me? Affected me how? Affected my mind? Let me tell you, somethin’, Gung-Ho Fiddlemeister…
ME: What does that even me-
SHEEN: Nothing affects me, but me. You could shoot 50-caliber bullets at my skull and they’d just bounce right off. Just Pa-choo! Pa-choo! Ping! Pong! Sorry, bullets, no such luck. Bam! Winning!
ME: I must say, I am trying my best to understand your point. I am still very intri-WOW! WHAT IS THAT?!?!
SHEEN: Shamalamma Ding Dong! Look out below kiddies, cause here comes Turok Makto ready to fuck you in the armpit!
ME: Where in the hell were you hiding all that coke???
SHEEN: Open your peepers. This ain’t coke, Shirley Temple. This is a bag of my own flakes right off this fantabulous skull of mine.
ME: Why do you carry around a bag of-
Charlie Sheen then proceeded to snort a line of his own dandruff.
ME: Jesus... fucking… Christ.
SHEEN: ZING! And we are now at Mach 5. Stand back, unless you want your face melted off. I’m high as a kite if kites got high. We are now entering Blast-offville, everybody. Population: Charlie Sheen!
ME: This is what you meant when you said you like to get high off "Charlie Sheen?"
SHEEN: What did you think I meant, nigga?
ME: Do you think… maybe I could try some?
SHEEN: Sure, but I hope you got a mop at the ready 'cause your mind’s about to get blown, Pennywise.
ME: Trust me, I've been around the block. I doubt there’s anything you could give me that would- *SNIFF*