Hello. My name is Gerhardguffaw, but you may know me as Gerhardguffaw. As I sit here masterbating to "The Best Of Gregorian Chants" while waiting for my taxes to be prepared, I ponder this question..."Should I write a blog?"
This question has plagued me for, oh, 12.8 seconds....give or take 12.8 seconds. Why? Would it contribute anything to society?...probably not. Would it make people laugh?...only if I paid them. Would it waste people's time?...Yes!!!!! And for that reason I'll attempt to write a blog...not only to waste your time but to answer the question that has been an issue since I've joined FoD....."WHEN THE FUCK IS THAT ASSHOLE GOING TO WRITE A DAMN BLOG?"
So, sit back, relax and enjoy what promises to be the blog that doesn't end all blogs and makes you hanker for the days of dial telephones and Ronald Reagan.
"HOW TO COME UP WITH A WINNING CAPTION"
You may be asking yourself "Why, Gerhard, would you want to tell us the secret to a winning caption?" Well, fellow FoDsters, a secret like this must be shared and, besides, I have nothing better to do. But, be warned, this may not work for everybody! So please, don't shoot the messenger....just send money.
O.K., so here goes...
First and foremost, a great cap comes right after a great crap. Nothing opens up the humor juices more than pinching a loaf. For some reason the mind expands to parts of the Universe reserved for only the few...the proud...the funny. Humorous or genius type captions fill your brain....or maybe that's just the fumes from the bean burrito I had for lunch. Try it and see what happens....and don't forget to wipe!
Next, steal other people's ideas. Just read over the last 15-20 caps and take bits and pieces from those to make a new one. It's not cheating if you tell yourself "Hey, it's not my fault I stole ideas and won a t-shirt." Good luck with that one!
And last but not least, the best ideas come during sex. It happens when I'm trying to think of something disgusting so I don't ejaculate too soon. For example, I may think about cleaning up a pile of dog vomit when BAM, the perfect caption pops into my head (no, not that head...the one above my neck). But now what do I do? Stop in mid stroke and write it down? Ask my neighbor's wife to remember it? Spell it out while I'm spewing all over her titties? That, my friends, is the question. But I can't give you the answer because I've given out too much info already.
In conclusion, I hope these tips will help you in your quest for caption supremacy. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.