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Ever wonder what happens to a Funny Or Die article when it Dies? Mike’s eulogy for his dearly departed explains:


Friends and family,

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of my most recent Funny Or Die article posted on July 22, 2014. You were all given the option to click Funny or Die and, unanimously, you clicked Die.

Before we can properly pay our respects, I should address the elephant in the room. Everyone in this funeral home is responsible. I’m not mad, though! I’m not mad. You were all perfectly justified in clicking Die. While in my mind, “President Fart Goes to the DMV” was a home run, I realize now there were just too many unusual things happening at once. The comment section was brutally honest in this criticism. “Is his last name Fart?”, “Is Fart a character trait?”, “Why don’t you fuck yourself, Mike?” All valid questions to which I provided no answers.

“President Fart Goes to the DMV” was born on July 22, 2014 at 11:15 a.m. and died July 22, 2014 at 11:22 a.m. For the first minute, I thought it was gonna work itself out. So a few users clicked Die! It’s the internet! Haters gonna hate! In retrospect, this was naïve. Those first few Die votes were a clear indication of your hatred.

But I know I can’t take it personally. You hate the article, not the author. (Except for the “Why don’t you fuck yourself, Mike” guy — that one felt personal.) The only thing I’m upset about is the knowledge that my article’s in hell now. Oh, did you guys not know that? The bible is very clear that unfunny articles go straight to hell. I weep for it down there. Scared. Alone. Or maybe being tortured by its brothers, “Principal Peebed” and “Racist Ouiji.” (Again, too many unusual things. I get it.) People say to focus on —excuse me, is someone laughing? I’m hearing laughter from the pews and it’s pretty disrespectful. Wait, was that you, Lisa? Wow. Wow. I didn’t laugh at your daughter’s funeral! … What? Fine, I did, but only cause the priest said, “Jesus is coming.” Also, where were these laughs on July 22nd when I needed them?!

You know what, forget it. You guys are a bunch of dicks. If you don’t think a PRESIDENT FARTING during DRIVERS ED is funny then I don’t know what to tell you. And if you don’t think a PRESIDENT FARTING MORE during his ROAD TEST is proper heightening then you don’t know comedy anyways and can jump off a bridge. Lisa, I know you know where to find one since that’s how your daughter died.

Where is everyone going?! I’m not done yet! We still need to hold hands and sing “Tears In Heaven!” I added a backing fart track just like my article would have wanted! What?! C’mon, that’s funny! Get back here! I was hoping one of you would offer to host a wake? I’m too distraught to cook for myself so I was thinking we could do one of those things where people bring me food for seven days? There’s a Popeyes right by my apartment and if you say, “This is for Mike” they know what I want. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?!

[Editors note: Immediately after this funeral, Mike began work on “Puke Baby Gets Laid”]

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