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DAY 1

Our ship capsized last night. Not sure whose idea it was to host a dance-off in the captain’s quarters with strobe lights that caused the captain to be blinded and crash, but I’m guessing it was Pitbull’s. He had had a fair amount of Cristal. Luckily while we were underwater he chuckled with such intensity that it attracted a chorus of friendly dolphins who swam us to safety. They didn’t feel like sticking around though.

 

DAY 3

Scavenging for food. We find two coconuts. Pitbull points out to me that they look like human female breasts. While I applaud his deceptive wit, I decide to take my evening stroll alone that night, while Pitbull writes a song about human female breasts.

 

DAY 7

Pitbull gives me a preview of another song idea he has. It is literally just him listing the state capitals.

 

DAY 9

“Mr. 305” tells me that he is going to search the island for some strippers and Cristal. I tell him I doubt that he’ll find any because we are a thousand miles away from civilization as far as I can tell, but somehow he proves me wrong. We take advantage of the solar eclipse to have a party. While fun, it is not productive in terms of getting home. I also find out that Pitbull never ever takes of his sunglasses, not even when he is sleeping or face down in the sand.  

 

DAY 12

Deciding to address the elephant on the island, I ask Pitbull why he didn’t rhyme a different word with “Kodak” in the song “Give Me Everything”. Off the top of my head I suggest “Hosni Mubarak”. Then I ask Pitbull if he heard that the company Kodak is going bankrupt, like for real, and their name is being taken off the theater in Los Angeles where they are presenting the Academy Awards. He said yeah, he did know that unfortunately, Kodak’s stock plummeted as a result of his song writing. Pitbull then tells me how much money he makes in a year and then how much money a doctor makes in a year and he says that he likes to do that every once in a while just to keep the doctors humbled. I tell Pitbull that BIlly Crystal is coming back to host the Oscars this year, also I hypothetically ask wouldn't it be cool if Billy Crystal bought the brand name Cristal and started selling his own Billy Cristal as a fun tie-in for the awards show and its after-parties? Sometimes we go on odd tangents when we are weary. 

 

DAY 20

Today I constructed a Kodak disposable camera from bamboo sticks, a la “Gilligan’s Island”. I process some photos I take myself in a quick one-hour service that I set up myself, from a chemical solution that I made from things I found on the island. Here’s a photo of me after being stranded on the island for almost three weeks:

 

Cast_Away_Tom_Hanks.jpg

 

And here’s one of Pitbull:

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He is bald. All the money and fame and fortune and friends in the world cannot buy you hair. Excluding toupees and wigs. But on the upside, he will never have head lice, I have had it twice since we've been here. 

 

DAY 21

I ask Pitbull how he keeps the top of his head so shiny and resolute. He doesn’t answer but I suspect that cocaine and money has something to do with it.

 

DAY 22

I find out Pitbull has been squandering our food supply by grinding up coconuts and turning them into co-cocaine. While angry, I decide to tell Pitbull we need to get back to civilization so I prefer we put all our efforts into that from now on.

 

DAY 23

Pitbull sends out a tweet. Rapper Flo Rida and Spanish song writer Enrique Iglesias drive up to us in a speed boat within minutes. While in awe and grateful that we’ve been rescued, I ask Pitbull why the hell he didn’t try that 23 days ago. He says he just wanted a vacation. I point out that his LIFE is a vacation. Oh, also turns out this whole time we were in Miami, at a Desert Island themed theme park. Really mad now I ask Pitbull why he let me eat all that sand if there was an Arby’s on the other side of the island.  We decide to part ways. I take a picture of Pitbull with a Kodak, and hand it in to the police.

 

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