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September 09, 2013
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Here are some exciting new offerings Apple plans to unveil.

Another Apple keynote is upon us. What will Tim Cook unveil?
 
  • New 'Tim Cook 5S'
  • Bug fixes to the movie 'Jobs'
  • Finger-sniffing technology 
  • Free pack of smokes
  • The iSamsung Galaxy S4
  • New, cheaper iPhone for stupid, dirty poor people w/ greasy fingerprint recognition technology and a general disdain for its user
  • New gold iPhone designed especially for show-offs
  • A sandwich with two iPads for bread 
  • A way to convince Deborah to take you back
  • New iPad shuffle that jumps to random pages in books whether you like it or not
  • Bar graph showing how much fun everyone is having
  • Photo of the child who made your phone
  • Smart watch (a normal watch that your grandmother thinks looks 'very smart' on you) 
  • Handwritten plea for help from the child who made your phone
  • New iSlap bracelet with optional iScrunchie
  • Eazy-E hologram demos latest version of Outlook
  • Ashton Kutcher runs onstage to reveal that the whole movie thing was just an elaborate Punking 
  • 10 Free Hours of AOL
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