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June 11, 2011

Breaking up

1.  The New Yorker: This just might be the most excruciating of all the break-ups.  With an exorbitantly high cost of living in New York City, young couples are enticed to share the financial burden of rent.  In theory, this makes all the sense in the world.  Share a bed, a couch, food, and utilities.  There's one small catch.  You have to really fucking love the other person.  Sharing a one bedroom in NYC can feel like sharing a closet.  Sharing a studio feels like sharing a nun's asshole.   

  The stress and strain of NYC, along with the lack of physical and emotional space, spell doom for countless relationships.  When two people struggling financially decide to break up, reality sets in.  A freelance photographer and a waitress have enough trouble meeting down the middle for rent.  What does this mean?  This means an extended, and very painful stay on the couch for the man.  She will cry herself to sleep every night, while he stumbles home late and drunk.  She will take a while to get over him.  He will finally move out, feel liberated for about 6 months, then start crying himself to sleep every night, because he just now realizes what he's lost.  By this point, she has moved well beyond him, and is already banging another dude.  That's just how it works in New York.

2. The 007:  This is a veteran break-up tactic.  She will meet him in a public location, as not to cause a scene.  Much like when a spy is supposed to meet another spy, they will meet in public in fear of getting ambushed.  The desired effect is to break up quietly, without too much of a fuss.  Some possible 007 locations include; the opera, the movies, restaurant, and train station.  When this works it really works.  When it blows up in your face, it's a disaster.  If he starts crying or screaming, this could get very embarrassing and very messy, very quick.  Know who you're dealing with before you make this move.

3.  The Griswald:  The vacation break-up is a horror show.  Nobody plans on breaking up while laying on white sand beaches and snorkeling with big fucking turtles, but sometimes, two people just can't hack it anymore.  Vacations bring out the absolute worst in couples.  Every little nuance and annoying idiosyncrasy gets magnified tenfold.  He will flip out when they get lost and she will flip out that he's flipping out.  The tension that has been building for months, maybe years, releases itself in a ejaculation of raw emotion, brought on by getting lost in the car.  After this mean, nasty, and shockingly honest fight, the couple will always move in this direction; She will refuse to let this asshole spoil her beach time.  He will get drunk. 

4.  The Street Fighter:  This is the most common of all urban break-ups.  The street break up makes a lot of sense for a lot of reasons.  Firstly, the street offers neutral ground for the person doing the breaking up.  He knows that if he's on her turf he will have no chance of escape and he will be coaxed into having wild and furious make-up sex.  He knows he can't do it at his place, because there's no guarantee she'll leave in a timely manner.  You've all seen, and probably taken part in this, many times. 

  I'm gonna break down how the Street Fighter plays out in a segment I call Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo and the Art of Breaking Up:

1.  man breaks up with woman

2.  woman starts crying

3.  man consoles woman

4.  woman says "leave me alone"

5.  man says "I'm sorry"

6.  woman asks "Why?"

7.  man gives crappy excuse

8.  woman calls him on his bullshit

9.  man feels bad about what he's done

10.  woman runs away

11.  man chases her

12.  REPEAT 1-11

11.  woman runs away

12.  man chases her

13.  REPEAT 1-11

14.  woman runs away

15.  man chases her

14.  REPEAT 1-11

15.  It goes in one of two directions from here.  (a) They go their separate ways (b) They go home and fuck

5.  The Sid & Nancy:  This break-up is the most tumultuous shit-show of all the break-ups.  This is the personification of dysfunctional adults.  The Sid & Nancy couple will take turns being the dumper and dumpee.  Both people have massive insecurity and abandonment issues that lead them directly back to their recent ex-lovers bed within days, sometimes hours.  This game will go on for several months.  Fight, sex, fight, sex, jealousy, forgiveness, sex, jealousy, sex, fight, and more sex.  This typhoon of a relationship leaves devastation in it's wake.  Friends will sacrifice a large portion of a given year, repeatedly consoling these selfish dicks.  They constantly need to be reminded that their good enough and they don't need the other person to be happy.  Upon hearing this, after a good long cry, they will almost immediately run back to their ex.  Why?  Because their fucking nuts.  Think of them like crack addicts.

6.  The Stan Gable:  This is a devastating one for high school sweethearts.  This happens freshman year when the two young lovebirds earnestly attempt to maintain a long distance relationship, while at different schools.  At first they will visit each other every other weekend.  Then once a month.  Then Christmas break rolls around and their good for a few weeks at home together.  Unbeknownst to him, this is the end of the relationship.  She will return to school and realize what she is missing out on.  Which happens to be sex with that cute lacrosse captain that's been trying to get in her pants since freshman orientation.  The strange thing is, he really feels much the same, but his pride will blind him from understanding his true feelings.  She will get drunk and bang Alpha Betas and lacrosse players. He will get drunk and bang fat girls.

7.  The Winnie Cooper:  This is the junior high break-up.  It has to be overly dramatic and occur at either a dance or a basement party.  Everyone will know about it hours before the dumpee, or the Kevin Arnold, does.  No doubt this stings, but you're not thinking about the sex you won't be having anymore, since you're way to young to have it. That's unless you were a fucking pimp in junior high. 

8. The Love Boat:  You may have seen this one on 48 Hours or MSNBC.  The Love Boat is when you take a sea cruise with your sweetheart, get her all liquored up, then push her overboard into the middle of the North Atlantic under cover of darkness.