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October 05, 2015

Malia Obama is entering the stressful time of applying to colleges, and we got our hands on one of her teacher recommendations

Malia Obama is in her senior year of high school, which means she’s entering the stressful time of applying to colleges, asking teachers to write recommendations, and writing her personal statement. And we’ve obtained a copy of one of those teacher recommendations. Check it out below!

Dear Admissions Officer,

I’m writing to offer Malia Obama my highest recommendation for admission to your prestigious university. But let’s be honest here, it doesn’t actually matter whether or not a high school English teacher recommends THE PRESIDENT’S DAUGHTER to a college. Who are we kidding? Malia could just draw a big “X” on her application and get in wherever she wanted.

Malia was in my 11th grade AP English class, and she earned very high grades on all her papers. But, like, what am I gonna do, not give her an A? Her father is the most powerful man in the world, she’s getting an A. I never even read her papers, waste of my time. Although I did once give her a C and I must say, Malia was resilient in the face of adversity. She didn’t complain even though it was totally unfair of me to give her a C. I was just doing it to see if I could leverage a bad grade into a parent teacher conference, maybe get some of those presidential M&M’s I saw on “Veep.” But I chickened out and told the class there had been a mistake in the grading, and that paper didn’t count. Some of the kids who did well on that paper were upset. But their dads aren’t president so they’re outta luck!

Malia has shown a high level of intellectual curiosity, never shy to raise her hand, but what do you care? I doubt you’re even reading this letter.

She has remarkable confidence and conviction, she stands up for her beliefs in class even if they are the minority opinion. But that doesn’t make this letter or application process any less of a charade. She is going nervously wait for your acceptance letter to come in the mail, like there’s a possibility her success is not predetermined. And I’m just a player in her charade. And my role as a player is probably the most notable thing that will happen in my career.

Malia would make a find addition to your school. But you’re not reading this. In fact, I’m so sure you’re not reading this, I’m going to now write whatever I want: My unpublished novel… the one I’m very bitter about… a great deal of it is plagiarized.Oh my god it felt good to get that off my chest! I’ve been carrying that around for 25 years! And there are no consequences! Like whispering it into a black hole.

I wholeheartedly recommend Malia Obama.

Joan Cooper
Sidwell Friends School