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August 31, 2012

Closer look at Celbrity Ghost Stories


If you read my last article Things I Learned From Watching A Haunting, You know that I like to call bullshit on ghost stories but I recently watched an episode of Celebrity Ghost Stories and figured I would do a write up on a ghost story that I believe to be true.

Usually we automatically believe everything that celebrities tell us. “Not Me!” you say. If you’re honest, you are either wearing or have purchased something that someone with a sex tape has endorsed. It’s okay, I was into that whole beanie baby fad and I hated the little fuckers. Why does the Princess Diana Beanie Baby cost sixty dollars? Fuck off kiosk dealer in the mall that also sells Pokemon cards and low self-esteem enhancers.

One thing that might actually stop you from believing a celebrity actually uses a product is if they’re not actually considered a celebrity anymore. The washed up do tend to do just about anything for a paycheck. They have no real world marketable skills and I can relate. If I ever become a celebrity I would be a regular on the show and just make up ghost stories. Eventually I would run out of ghost stories and I would just retell movies such as Ghostbusters starring Bill Murray, Ghost starring Patrick Swayze, Ghost Ship starring a creepy ass ship. LET THE DOLLA BILLS FLOW!! Booop Booooooooooop!!!! BABY BIRD!!

I am basing my belief that this is a true story based on the cliché formula I discovered in my last article. This particular celebrity is Rowdy Roddy Piper. Quoted as saying “I’m so quick, I could spit in the wind, duck, and let it hit the old lady behind me!” Well, there goes a lot of credibility but let’s try to move on. He gets my attention early on by saying that his own story sounds like bologna before he actually tells the story. Hmmm, isn’t that what people say that are about to tell you something full of horseshit?

Strike one Rowdy. I’m not going to count that quote because the imagery is amazing.

Rowdy, was coming up in Professional Wrestling and started acting like a real asshole to everyone around him. His best friend at the time who was also a professional wrestler went by the name of Adrian Adonis told him to “Buy a house.” because this would solve the whole asshole demon you got inside of you.

Strike Two Rowdy.

Rowdy buys a house thanks to his friend’s suggestion. Adrian ends up being in a fatal car accident with a van full of other wrestlers who were on a tour. WOAH SAUCE! Interesting.

Not long after Adrian’s death Rowdy’s daughter begins telling  Rowdy about a man that would stand at the end of her bed staring at her. Around the same time his son began to tell him stories of seeing shadows in the house. Rowdy did what any father would do and dismissed it because kids are stupid and get scared of everything because they’re tiny individuals. Rowdy goes out of town and returns to a scared son who runs out of the house in a panic and tells him that a man is all up in their household. You might not know of Rowdy Roddy Piper’s stage persona but he does not put up with that kind of shit, that’s for sure. While telling his story he says “I ran into that house as a father, I was going to take care of this matter.”

Normally that would be strike three but I completely believe that Rowdy did exactly that, this guy is no bullshit. Rowdy thinks there is an actual man in the house not some half-man half-ghost motherfucker mainly because his son wasn’t specific. His reaction might have been different if the son came out screaming “There is some half-ghost half-man motherfucker in there!” But I would like to think his reaction would have been the same no matter the situation. “There are turnip greens in there? Not in my house! Get out of my kitchen you green southern fuck!” said Rowdy in my imagination.

Rowdy runs in the house and there is a fire in the living room, he quickly puts out the fire. He looks up and sees his friend Adrian who says “Hey Roddy”. He said that like being a ghost that starts fires is a normal everyday thing and that Rowdy is overreacting as per usual. Rowdy ends the storytelling by saying that he believed that his friend was there to protect his children since his kids never saw “a man” when Rowdy was there.

Wow, this story was rather boring. Which I believe leads itself to credibility. I don’t believe ghosts go out of their way to make sure your hillbilly ass gets a good enough story to get on TV. I have relatives who have told me similar stories of the dead staying behind to protect or be with loved ones until they are no longer needed. You must also know that my family members watch wrestling and are hillbillies themselves.