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Hi! I’m Senator Tom Cotton and every time I open my mouth, a huge sack of dumb falls out.

In a recent interview, Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) urged the public to keep Indiana’s Religious Freedom law in perspective. “In Iran,” he reminded us, “they hang you for the crime of being gay.“ But there are so many other terrible comparisons to be made. See below for what we assume Senator Cotton would’ve gone on to say if he had been pressed for more information.


I understand a lot of people are upset over the Religious Freedom bills in Indiana and Arkansas, but I think we need to keep things in perspective. In Iran, people are arrested for being gay. That’s so much worse. In fact, there are tons of places where they treat homosexuals worse than America. A lot of Africa would just throw you in jail, I bet. And China’s probably bad about gay stuff, too. I don’t know that for a fact, but I bet they are.The point is, it could be so much worse, so please stop complaining.

Being gay in America isn’t that bad. Even if we do discriminate against you whenever we get the chance, It’s still better than being most things. Like, it’s still better than being straight and dead, right? Answer me honestly. Would you rather be a person who is gay in Indiana, or somebody who is dead anywhere? Gay, right? Of course! I mean, either way you’re not getting let into a lot of restaurants,but if you’re gay you’re at least alive. See? You’re fine.

We’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Oh! How about a mountain? Huh? What if instead of being gay in America, you were a mountain?People walk on those things! You think any restaurant owners have ever served a meal to a mountain? No, that would be ridiculous. They’d be like, “You’re COVERED in snow and you’re far too massive to fit inside this room. Please leave.” Being gay is way easier than being a mountain.

Still not convinced? Fine. Being gay in Indiana is easier than being: gay in the Middle Ages, gay in space with no space suite,on fire, a bug that is missing a leg, in a coma forever, a toilet, and gay but also being locked in a casket at the bottom of the ocean. You know what else? It’s easier to be gay in Indiana now than to be black in America in the 1950’s. Actually, wait. Those two might be too similar…

Listen, I get it – comparing our nation, which prides itself on being a beacon of freedom, to nations that we use as benchmarks of intolerance is a very, very weak argument. And yes, you could absolutely argue that a law making discrimination of any group of people legal and acceptable is 100% comparable to the very obviously-disgusting “Separate but equal” approach to race relations of the first half of the 20th century. And sure, claiming religious reasons as a means to demean a population ignores the actual teachings of the religion you claim to be seeking to protect. But hear me out - what if you were a fish? Did you ever stop to thank Jesus that you aren’t a fish? They pee in the stuff they breathe, so maybe remember that next time you feel persecuted. My name is Senator Tom Cotton, and I’m a fucking idiot.

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