Apologies and corrections
First off, we the folks at Mutt Media apologize for the delay in getting our wonderful, devoted readers the latest issue of “The Paperlessly Wallpapered I.O’U. Papers.”* It is overdue. Not overdue in the sense of an overdue book – which might incur the wrath of bespectacled, 60-year-old, gun-toting, whisky-drinking, bounty-hunting librarians who hit bikers on their knuckles with kazoos for kicks – but rather, in the sense of something we believe we should’ve published sooner.
During the delay, some information has circulated among Ivan O’Uris fans that we at Mutt Media LLC wish to clear up. We also wish to clear up the splotches of maple syrup around our office that remain from a recent swingers party involving some guests from Vermont, who turned ugly when we told them that one doesn’t typically celebrate Cinco de Mayo by dousing people with maple syrup, but that’s another matter.
The widest spread inaccuracy has been that “The Paperlessly Wallpapered I.O’U. Papers” got delayed because we the folks at Mutt Media couldn’t decide whether to observe the Orthodox or non-Orthodox end of Lent. As you’ll recall from reading issue No. 18, the background notes to “Minimalist Poem No. 5,000,” that issue’s featured poem, were given up in observance of it. Actually, we had planned to publish issue No. 19 shortly after April 12, the non-Orthodox designation for Easter/end of Lent. But then, we started planning for the tourists from Vermont and the maple syrup incident happened.
Another inaccuracy is that Ivan and Mutt Media were reluctant to share the story behind “Minimalist Poem No. 5,000” (a.k.a., “Minimalist poem No. 5,000” – sans capital “p”) because they feared God considered the poem blasphemous. On the contrary, Ivan claims he received God’s blessing before submitting the poem for publication. According to Ivan, God appeared to him in a vision as Ned Navidad, the legendary owner of Navidad’s Nutty Novelties and Mnemonics, a novelty store in Newfoundland during the 1920s that specialized in props and memory aids for burlesque comics and practical jokers, and told Ivan to publish it.**
“When God/Ned jolted me with His hand buzzer and drenched me with the water that spewed mightily from His fake flower, I knew I had His blessing,” Ivan wrote in his journal. “As another gesture of good faith, He offered to let me sit on His celestial whoopee cushion, but I told Him the first two gestures were enough for me to trust Him.”
Some also have alleged that the folks at Mutt Media have fallen behind because they spent several weeks trying to help Ivan find two flash drives of his material that he had lost while recently covering NCAA basketball at Kansas City, Mo.’s Sprint Center. During the search, Ivan allegedly ended up at a barbecue cooking contest in Kansas City’s West Bottoms, where he was accidentally trapped behind a wall of spare ribs that stood 30 feet high and 10 feet thick and only escaped with the help of Hoke’s Hickory and Honey B-B-Q Sauce.
What happened was that we at Mutt Media were trying to juggle publishing “The Paperlessly Wallpapered I.O’U. Papers” with other jobs, etc. and fell behind. That’s it.
With the rumors denounced, it’s time for those background notes. So look for them soon.
No, really. Come on, stop nodding your head while gawking at your computer screen and smirking and saying, “Yeah, sure.” They’re almost done. We promise. We’ll publish them as soon as we clear up those splotches of maple syrup from around the office. If you want to help, that would be nice.
The Folks at Mutt Media LLC
*This apology does not apply to the one-horned, polka-dotted, zebra-striped albino Albanian antelope at Mutt Media LLC, which the folks at Mutt Media LLC are vainly trying to train to recite “The Gettysburg Address” (see issue No. 14). He refuses to apologize – or at least that’s what we think, as we’ve not heard him say anything.
**God/Ned also told Ivan to publish “One-sentence poem 38GGGGGGGGGG,” which will appear soon.
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