Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 06, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

George Zimmerman, the man who murdered 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, had his new bail set at $1 million. Keep in mind, the last time anyone got charged that much for killing a black teenager was never.

WikiLeaks says it plans to publish 2.4 million emails from Syrian officials. Half of which contain the message "Am I doing this right?" 

Most interestingly, WikiLeaks says the emails show a link between the government and Western companies. In seemingly unrelated news, why is Denny's closed all of a sudden?

Ann Romney said her husband is considering female candidates for his running mate. Though that might change when he finds out he can't have eight of them.

A new edition of Ernest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms" will include alternate endings. Including the controversial "Seriously, Don't Let Clive Owen Portray Me" ending. 

At the start of San Diego's Fourth of July show, all the fireworks accidentally exploded at once. Unfortunately, there was one casualty.

In Sweden, rape charges were dropped against a man who tried to sexually assault a woman who turned out to be a man because "the intended crime never had the possibility of being fulfilled." "Really?" asked every prison movie ever.

A New Mexico woman is selling her soul to pay for her medical bills after she was hit by a drunk driver. Looking good, America!

Katie Holmes hinted about marriage difficulties with Tom Cruise in an interview she did six weeks ago. And if you've seen any of her movies, you know she couldn't have been acting.

A report about Japan's Fukushima nuclear disaster called it "profoundly manmade." Japan finally admitting nuclear power plants aren't like the plants you find in nature.

Ron Paul is pushing for a completely unregulated Internet. Thereby setting up his next career move, sexy cop.

In Florida, a lifeguard was fired for going outside of his patrol section to save someone from drowning. The man who almost died has since apologized for distracting such an irresponsible person.