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January 05, 2016
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Ben Higgins meets the ladies in the first episode of 'The Bachelor'!

Last night, the 20th season of The Bachelor premiered with former Bachelorette reject Ben Higgins as this year’s single man. He’s boyishly good-looking, polite as a Girl Scout, and he wants to find love. So he’ll be taking his second spin on a dating game show, but this time, he’s in the driver’s seat. He’s driving a bus full of women so hungry for love they are willing to go crazy on television, but his parents are really pulling for him, so you never know!

1) Getting Advice From Two Married Guys And One Unhappy Farmer

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Kiss ‘em all! They’re just legs with lips!

Ben met up with three former Bachelors to get some advice on how to handle being one guy dating two dozen women. Ben is incapable of saying anything negative so he ate up all their pointers about compartmentalizing relationships and being honest. It was almost sincere until Ben asked about kissing one girl after another and Farmer Chris said, “Kiss them all” in wistful remembrance of his time in the limelight. Not getting as many kisses these days, huh?

By the way, one of the former Bachelors, that Jason dude, might be happily married but on his season he proposed to one girl and then changed his mind in the finale and SWITCHED GIRLS. Good for you that you’re happy, but you’re probably the worst person to give advice about how to behave on The Bachelor. Except maybe Nick V. He is the worst.

2) Love At First Television

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Nice to meet you. Catch!

Caila is a STRONG believer in love at first sight. So much so that she broke up with her boyfriend upon seeing Ben step out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. She saw Ben on television and ended an actual real-life relationship with her boyfriend. That’s like me not coming out as a lesbian because I had warm feelings toward Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years. (Sidenote: He’s great on The Grinder)

Since Ben made such an impression on her, Caila chose to make her first impression on Ben by sprinting at him right out of the limo and unexpectedly jumping into his arms. He didn’t know what she was doing and she just hung there like a kid climbing her dad. Is that chemistry?

3) Crazy On The Outside

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Mandi is a giant weirdo. She came out of the limo with a giant rose on her head and said she was dressed as the first-impression rose. But that’s not the weirdest thing she did. When she had her time alone with Ben, she examined his teeth. Because she is a dentist. And apparently dentists can’t kiss people until they have a full dental history and promise of regular flossing. What a seduction technique, Mandi! Maybe on your second conversation you can shoot him up with Novocaine and you can drool all over each other.

4) The Twins

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Hayley and Emily are 22-year-old twins from Vegas. So now we are watching porn. That’s mean. Not all twins are part of a sex fantasy. Except that these two talk at the same time and don’t seem to have individual personalities. Ben doesn’t even know if he is dating them individually or separately, which seems a little goofy of him, but they are kind of asking for it by not coming out to meet him as individuals and constantly talking at the same time.

5) The Woman Who Loves A Chicken

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to her two-bedroom apartment that she shares with a human woman.

Tiara is a self-described “chicken enthusiast.” She has a special chicken named Sheila who is her human baby, sleeps in her room. and is her true love. Tiara literally said this stuff. It was wonderful. She is the most exciting bachelorette so far. I can’t wait for her to tell Ben that she is a mom and then reveal it is to 10 chickens.

6) Ben Is Too Polite

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This is the meanest face he can make

Adorable Ben. Sweet sweet Ben. At one point he says, “The fact that these girls got in a limo and came out here is impressive to me.” That’s all it takes? Oh sweet Ben. He called his parents after all the girls arrived in the limos. He says, “I like it” when he doesn’t know what to say. He’s too nice for this. He might be destroyed.

7) So Many Laurens

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There are eight (maybe 18?) girls named Lauren. Also a Laura. And a Jubilee. To be fair, my name is Lauren, but I mostly go by LP because there are too many girls named Lauren in this world. I’ll be giving these Laurens nicknames because I wont be able to keep them apart. For now, let’s call them Airline, Teacher, and Oklahoma.

8) Two Do-Overs

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Back to bore us for another season

The virgin is back! Has she had sex yet? Does she want to? Is she still waiting? Who is this other girl? Why did they come together? Why do they think Ben is their future husband when they thought exactly the same things about last season’s bachelor, Farmer Chris? Do we care about these girls? Not really.

9) The Crazy One Showed Herself!

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I just forced a guy to kiss me without knowing it. Is this love?!

And her name is Lace! What a great crazy girl name. First off, she asked Ben to close his eyes as soon as they meet and then kissed him. Hmm, OK. Reverse genders and tell me if you think it’d be OK if Ben told a girl to close her eyes and kissed her without her consent? No. As the night goes on, Lace drinks and pressures Ben to make out but he rejects her in favor of TALKING! Lace has a shit fit. She openly talks about judging the other girls, wonders why anyone would want a “fucking virgin,” and had a second shit fit when Ben didn’t look DIRECTLY at her while talking to 25 people. I hope she stays forever and has multiple shit fits every episode.


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