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Published September 12, 2013

MOSCOW — Hallo, Americans! Privyet! Hello my name is Vladimir Putin, I am the president of Russia, the really big country at the top of the world where James Bond is always sneaking around. It is very cold here. I have a lot of problems with you. Hallo!

Relations between us have passed through different stages. We stood against each other during the Cold War (every war here is cold! ha ha). But we were also allies once, and defeated the Nazis together (but that was an easy call). You even named a drink after us, the White Russian (as if there was any other kind of Russian! ha ha). Then you made Grand Theft Auto IV, and I wasn’t sure if that guy was supposed to be Russian or not. Seems like maybe he was a Serb. Either way it was very fun game and I look forward to new GTA game soon ha ha I really like skydiving and how you can do anything. I hope in this one there are more animals. I like how in Skyrim you could fight bears and how you could take your shirt off and wander out in the woods and turn over rocks and collect worms and cook them. Russian cuisine is delicious! Ha ha. I also like how you could take people out into the snow and kill them without anyone knowing ha ha. Ha ha.

Hallo!

Recent events in America have prompted me to write you an article in your newspaper. Please also follow my Tumblr. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies. It is hard to talk when you are busy watching fox videos and we are busy hacking you ha ha.

We have noticed your television channel TNT shows many repeats of Hunt for Red October. We are not happy about this. Sean Connery is poor Russian pretender. We propose new movie about very clever Russian man Gladimir Putin played by Jason Statham. Did you see Expendables 3? You know Bruce Willis will not come back for number four?? Poor choice. Bruce Willis is bald but he is still very cool and so is Jason Statham he is real badass and also bald. Bald guys are pretty hard-core, no? Ha ha.

What are you doing, America? Why are you messing with my friend Bashar? Not cool man. Bashar is very sensitive you know. Bashar cries at everything. He cried when I sang Blueberry Hill (please listen here, very good I must say ha ha). In tyranny school we used to call him Very al-Flathead because he has such very flat head. Russian translation is better. Have you notice when words change languages the meaning often change too? Like how in Russian we say ‘natural causes’ but in English you say ‘radiation poisoning’ ha ha.

Anyway I would appreciate if you leave Bashar alone. He does nothing to make you angry. You say he uses gas bombs but what proof you have? Picture you are in crowded room in important business meeting and then real bad smell comes with fart but no sound because it SBD (silent but deathly ha ha). How you can blame? No proof, just gas. Maybe I blame it on you, who knows? You lose your job. You want Bashar to lose his job? No. So everyone in room stay silent and not say anything because impossible to know, you just have take smell like man. Maybe cover your nose with shirt collar. Or maybe you no wear shirt because you are real man.

I have to go now please follow me on Spotify I have lots of good playlists including new John Mayer ha ha not sure I like his new soft image ha ha. Used to be tough guy.

- Putin

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