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May 31, 2012

The reasons why men have no fucking clue what women want from them.

I understand many gentleman have trouble understanding the women they date because in actuality we speak two totally different languages.  Some guys are saying "What are you talking about? We both speak English".  No retard, you speak English.  She speaks woman.  That's probably why she doesn't give you any and is probably fucking someone on the side who understands this notion.  But have no fear fellas!  Your boy Nick is here to teach you old dogs some new tricks that will have her screaming out  your name instead of someone else' in bed in no time.

To understand woman speak you must first learn to decode subtle hints.  "Are you SURE you want to go see that action movie? Are you SURE you want to wear that shirt?"  That means: "If you make me watch that stupid fucking movie wearing that ugly God damn shirt you sure as hell ain't gettin none of this pussy tonight!".  Another example of woman speak is "I'll be ready in 5 minutes".  Always multiply by 6.  So this in actuality means 30 minutes (Coincidentally this same mathematical formula applies to how many men she says she slept with before she met you).  Don't think you will get away with picking her up 30 minutes after the arranged time!  That shit is not happening.  Even though women refer to men as dogs in a derogatory sense they actually want you to sit and wait there like one too (Fucked up logic eh?).

Here is the kicker that every man knows all too well.  "Do I look fat in this?".  Umm yea lil Miss Muffin Top you do.  But of course you can't say that.  You must pander to her insecurities when she's fishing for a compliment.  Women love to say that men have big egos.  It may be so, but women have grotesquely large starving egos that can never be satisfied no matter how much they are fed.  I know it sucks, but it's your job to feed these gluttonous ego maniacs with more and more new compliments (I say "new" because they get sick of the same ones all the time.  You may have to learn a new language to compliment these egocentric narcissists in new ways).

Another example is when she asks "Do you miss me?".  Now fellas, this may seem like an easy home run.  You think all you have to answer with is "Yes".  WRONG.  That is never enough because she will swiftly reply with "What do you miss about me?".  Now you're fucked.  Of course being a man you will probably divulge one of her physical attributes.  Immediately her reply will be "Is that all I'm good for!  You just want me for my [INSERT FEMALE BODY PART NAME HERE]!

Picture this scenario.  You and your "old ball and chain" are snuggled up next to each other and she gently whispers in your ear "I feel so close to you now".  What she really is trying to do is to get you to drop the dreaded "L-Bomb".  Being a man you take this as "Hey baby, lets fuck".  Wrong answer!  So you attempt to get physical and she's looking at you wondering "What the hell are you doing?" as she waits for the magic three words.  After a few minutes of you trying and her denying you decide to try a new approach and tell her you love her.  This quickly goes downhill as she enters a psychotic state which would make the devil himself shit his loin cloth.  Her feverish rant goes a little something like this: "You just told me you love me because you want to get it in!  You selfish mother fucker!  You would say anything for a piece of ass won't you!  Go tell that line to one of your other bitches!  You can't tell me what to do!  I don't see a ring on my finger!" etc... etc... This may be true but us guys know a ring doesn't block a hole.  So there you have it guys.  Even if you give her what she wants 2 minutes after she initially wanted it you are still fucked.

If your girlfriend tells you "You're such a good friend" I suggest you go out and find a new one because that's all you will ever be!  Yes motherfucker, you just got dumped.  She may not make it official for a while longer but rest assured, your days of masturbating have begun.  Welcome to the point of no return!  The dreaded "friend zone"!

One thing women love to do is to get you to screw yourself over.  For instance, you take your girl out to dinner then decide to go out dancing at the club.  A few feet away a beautiful girl is dancing away.  Your girlfriend asks you, "Do you think she is pretty?".  CAUTION: THIS IS A TRAP!  There is only one right answer to this so I suggest you memorize this.  "Not nearly as pretty as you".  This will work most of the time.  But not all of the time.  She may come back with "Even though she's not prettier than me you still admitted she was pretty!  Motherfucker! Yada yada blah blah blah.  If you haven't realized it by now most of the time you are doomed for failure.

Another bullshit line that the "fairer" species (All puns intended) exudes out of the god forsaken hell hole known as their mouth is "You don't have to get me anything".  This is woman speak for "Since I'm pretending to be selfless then you have to buy me something really big!".  Ladies,  you have to understand that a man's mind functions like this:  A+B=C  Please don't expect it to operate like A+B= WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT IT TO BE!

The single worst thing your lady can tell you is "Fine".  If you hear that dreaded word then run till your legs fall off.  This is not a drill.  As a matter of fact don't be surprised if she castrates you in your sleep or lights the house on fire.  Yes, these are dangerous times we live in.  Prepare for her wrath because it is a comin. Also be very careful when she says "Go ahead".  THIS IS NOT PERMISSION! IT IS A DARE!  What she really means is "Go ahead motherfucker.  You do that shit and see what happens to you!".  Do not take her up on her dare!  It will only lead to your immediate demise.  I assure you it's going to be painful.

Fellas, if your girlfriend ever says "Where do you see this thing going?" it means only one thing.  Either you pull a ring out of your ass or I'm going on a "I'm single, will fuck who I want, rampage mode".  Good luck!

After reading this I hope you fellas have a better understanding on how to deal with women.  It may seem hopeless but your going to try anyway.  Go on!  Get out there and try to make some bitch happy!