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August 17, 2015
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Something Bernie Sanders paid me to write.

Why Bernie Sanders Is Dead Wrong on Every Issue

Bernie Sanders is so old, I bet he cannot even. He is SO old, the earth is a. Besides his age, he is a fool.

Let’s take a look at his campaign promises and I will analyze them as I read them for the first time:

INCOME AND WEALTH INEQUALITY

So, here we have a run-on sentence that has no real substance. Income is defined in the dictionary as, “not capable of being burned.” Huh? That’s interesting. The first syllable of the word burned starts with the letter B and so does the word ‘buckram’. But to the point: How can wealth be unequal to itself? According to mathematics, 0 = 0x0, hence there cannot be a…wait a second…the ‘0x0’ looks like an owl. Hoot! Hoot!

Something cannot not equal itself. Matter is retained.

GETTING MONEY OUT OF POLITICS

Politics usually doesn’t have a monetary gain until after you are done being in politics. Ron Paul for example has now established a website where you can pay to hear him speak. The website has a great design to it. And the loading speed is magnificent when I click things.

CREATING DECENT PAYING JOBS

Well, I don’t follow the rhyming pattern here. Nothing seems to rhyme and the diametric pentameter fails to captivate the rhythm of an air conditioning unit that I am currently using due to the heat outside my tent.

RACIAL JUSTICE

Who the fuck names their kid, “Racial Justice?”

A LIVING WAGE

As Pablo Picasso says, “Great artists copy! But others steal.” This applies to Steve Jobs when he was CEO of Apple. He used to say that. And when you say things, you got to mean them for all they got just like a gold miner. But when you find gold on the ground, you pick it up. You find the source of the gold. You go to the source and you marry an Indian woman to get the gold that is in the dowry. Sometimes, Gandhi would starve for his chance at fame and now he has a bestselling book on Amazon. As a man, I could live off of mucus, water, and semen. And each of those things are for sale currently at my girl scout fundraiser for the bake sale.

REAL FAMILY VALUES

God damnit, Bernie! How many effing bullet points do you have. I don’t have all night to read this list. I gotta go to bed soon to watch Good Morning America.

CLIMATE CHANGE AND ENVIRONMENT

I don’t believe that you can migrate to Russia from Alaska anymore. Why does this even matter? Tom Cruise blew up the Kremlin and now there’s going to be World War 3. Shouldn’t that take more precedence over the impossible mission force it would take to swim to Alaska from Russia. Personally, I don’t think we should change the climate or the environment either because Santa Clause would not be able to deliver weed to me on my birthday. He is a Russian man I know and he swims from Russia to Alaska to bring me it.

Reforming Wall Street

Personally, I can’t imagine creating wall out of a street yet alone reforming one since concrete is a useless commodity that I’ve tried to sell like ice blocks in my store and nobody buys them. I went bankrupt and now I live in a tent in Alaska with an air conditioner.

—-–—-

Finally, that was the last bullet point. I’ve exhausted my patients for this man. And they can’t wait all day for me at the local library here in Alaska, Georgia.

That’s a wrap. I’d did done dat dung. Now that’s how you.

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