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October 26, 2010

How much does spinning suck? A lot.

Occasionally I spin.

Like in the exercise.

Exercise in a particularly painful vein.

Many of you are smart enough never to have gone spinning and probably don't even know what it is.

Spinning is a fancy term for bicycling in place. The bikes are special though, to quote from an advertisement for a spinning bike, "Developed with specific geometry parameters to ensure an authentic cycling experience." If you think that's Orwellian for expensive you are correct.

Spinning is also a group activity. I know that you know that I dislike being around even small groups of homosapiens (at least without having some of the drink in me). Adding to my general discomfort with spinning is that for the hour I am exercising the instructor (typically a small waif of a girl) is screaming all this Type A personality crap designed to motivate me.

It doesn't work.

My motivation level is fine, thank you.

One of the instructors noticed that I always had this look of foreboding when I entered the room.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

It's hard to imagine, but the class I had yesterday was actually worse than usual.

I typically spin with my wife (See? Spinning counts as exercise and "together time"). Yesterday was no different, but she was on the other side of the room. Why does this matter? You see I typically pick a bike by the wall (I really pretend I'm doing this ridiculous activity by myself). Karen (my wife) being next to me means I'm not... distracted. The woman that day who was immediately to my right... was distracting. There happened to be another woman/distraction directly in front of me (there is quite a bit of bending over so you imagine my view).

Being a man in his early 40's one of my goals is not to appear to be a pervert. I get anxious about these things. So I couldn't really look to my right (due to distraction/girl #1) and looking straight wasn't really an good option either (due to distraction/girl #2). My plan (for I need a plan to control my general anxiety and to fulfill my goal of not being seen as a pervert) was to look left a lot. When necessary I could look right, but not too far right because then I may appear to be checking out the woman next to me. And I could look straight, but more of straight and up.

There are other factors that made yesterday's spinning loads of fun. The Instructor/Task Master likes to cry out "wooooo!" and get the people in the class to "woooooo!".

I am not a wooooo-er. I have been known to do a "woo-hoo!" (in a Homer Simpsonesque way), but that's as far as I go. Screw her. These spinning classes get awfully close to those Nazi Nuremberg Rallies (what are those torches doing here?). I will not wooo on general principal. Principly I'm not an idiot.

So... it gets worse.

She likes to talk to people while spinning. She asks questions. She makes small talk and I am so not there. You see, five minutes into the class I am in survival mode. It's as if a legion of zombies (the fast moving kind) are chasing me and hey, I don't have the desire or ability (air flying in and outta my lungs) to chat. Also I have tinnitus, which is a constant ringing in my ears (this is not a new thing I've always have had it).

You're all saying to yourselves, "Christ Andy! how many things are wrong with you?"
Let's not focus on that question right now.

So I have a ringing in my ears which means whenever there is a lot of noise around me, like in a spinning class where there are huge fans blowing, my hearing is shit. I hopefully dissuaded her from talking to me during the session when I gave her my patented "WTF?" look to some chit-chat she directed to me.

Leave me alone, let me sweat and not appear to be a pervert.

Why do I do spin?

It's the best cardio exercise around and I can't bail outta class early because I'd be known as a big pussy.

And that was my Sunday 9:15 AM Spinning class in Purgatory.