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April 15, 2011

Every Monday I will solve all of your problems. Stop being a pussy and just ask.

Question 1 from Kim in Astoria, Queens, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

My husband doesn't ever want to have sex anymore.  He comes home from the mill, eats dinner and passes out.  How do I get him to notice me?

  Hey there Kim.  I will solve this problem right here, right now.  Your husband will be begging on all fours if you follow these simple instructions.  Tighten up that hot little body of yours.  Go back to high school.  Better yet, go back to Junior High.  How do I do this Dr. J?  Easy.  You need to STOP digesting all that food and START vomiting.  The haters call it Bulimia.  I call it giving back.  Pretend you're the momma bird and the toilet is your baby bird.

  The nay-sayer will say that bulimia is an "epidemic" and it's "unhealthy".  Tell them to take their fancy words and stick it where the sun don't shine.  Looking good on the outside is all that really matters.  Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder.  There is a proven scientific rating system established that doesn't favor even the slightly overweight.  Smoking cigarettes will kill that appetite.  Smoke at least a pack a day and if you have the finances don't be afraid to shovel some cocaine up your nose every now and again.  You won't have to puke up your food because you won't be hungry.  It's a win win.  Now get to work and jam that finger down your throat Kim!

Question 2 from Stephen in Manchester, VT:

Hey Dr. J,

How come you never see baby pigeons?

  Great question Stephen.  Important question.  Baby pigeons are indeed a very rare sight in New York City.  Why is that? Former Mayor Ed Koch enacted the controversial BP/MP Act of 1979.  This law afforded the Mole People (MP) the right to poach Baby Pigeon (BP) eggs between the months of June-October in all five boroughs.  During baby pigeon hunting season the mole people creep out of their tunnels several hundred feet below street level to ransack the rooftop nests.

  It is more rare to see a mole person during hunting season than it is to see a baby pigeon.  It is told that they are no more than 4 feet tall and have night vision like an owl.  They can scurry up the sides of buildings and collect thousands of eggs any given night.  It has been widely rumored, but never proven, that these sacks of eggs are smuggled to the netherworld, during non-hunting season, by the old Chinese ladies you see with the shopping carts and the 8,000 bottles.  Mayor Bloomberg is attempting to create a customs system to curb the transport of illegal eggs.  If all goes as planned, Mole People Customs Stations will be set up somewhere between the two worlds.

  I hope that clears things up a bit for you Steve.          

Question 3 from James in New York, NY via Manchester, England, UK:

I just bought my first American football.  Can you help me to throw the perfect spiral?

  Hey James.  No problem buddy.  Here's what you do.  I'm guessing you're British when you say "American football", so first things first.  LOSE THE ACCENT.  Nobody with a British accent has ever thrown one spiral.  In fact, if you can pick up a southern drawl, your chances will increase by 75%.  You need to stop acting like such a proper, tea drinking nancy boy and start acting like a quarterback.

  Quarterbacks don't drink tea and they don't go crazy every time "I wanna hold your hand" comes on the jukebox.  Are you a 15 year old girl from 1964, creaming your undies for the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show? No? Then stop acting like one James.  Start acting like a QB.  Stop reading books and start banging cheerleaders.  Get rid of that scooter I'm sure you drive and get a convertable.  And that top stays down for all 12 months of the year.  Let them see that perfect hair and glistening smile.

  And for Christ's sake James, change your name.  You have to be either Jim, Jimmy, or Jimbo.  You add 10% tightness on your spiral with the name Jimbo.