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December 18, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The Israeli Embassy in Ireland posted a Christmas-themed message suggesting Jesus and Mary would be killed by Palestinians if they were alive today. And if there's anything Christians like around the holidays, it's Jews talking about Jesus getting murdered. 

A new poll suggests 54% of Americans favor stricter gun control laws. The remaining 46% of Americans favor stricter children-wearing-bulletproof-vests laws. 

Instagram now requires users to consent to their photos possibly being sold to businesses. Users have taken to complaining on Facebook though Facebook now owns those complaints. 

Russians are reportedly hoarding supplies due to the Mayan calendar ending this Friday. For example, last week, Vladimir Putin owned just one dolphin

Two NASA gravity mapping satellites will soon be retired and directed to crash into the surface of the Moon. "Isn't this ironic, Gerald?" said one satellite. "A little too ironic, Francine!" said the other satellite. 

Rep. Tim Scott may soon become the first black senator to represent South Carolina in more than 100 years. A situation so historic, people might willingly shake his hand.

A replica of Indiana Jones's journal was mysteriously shipped to the University of Chicago. Confused, the university nonetheless thanked whoever sent them easily the least interesting prop in the whole movie. 

In San Antonio, a man was arrested after opening fire at a movie theater, wounding two people. "You only said 'wounded,' right?" asked the NRA, its arm in the air for a high five. 

Morgan Freeman denied making a statement on the Connecticut shooting that has since gone viral on the Internet. Said Freeman, "I've been in Zihuatanejo this whole time."

The founder of Domino's is suing the government for mandating contraception coverage. The founder of Domino's being much more in favor of teaching abstinanchovies. 

Southwest Airlines will begin charging passengers who don't cancel tickets before their flights. Up to this point they really didn't care if you got on the plane or not.

Bette Midler said she'll appear on "Glee" if she's ever invited. Also, if people ever realize she's not dead.