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October 05, 2015

Salazar is great at two things: commanding a zombie army and leaving gates open.

1) Close The Gate!

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Uh, you guys. The gate. You left the gate open, you guys! I know things are on the rocks with your neighbors, but maybe close the gate? It’s the only thing keeping the walkers out. Dick move leaving it all the way open. Fully dick. Where are your gate manners, team? Keep this up and you’re not getting invited to next year’s bloody bounce house birthday party.

2) Salazar’s Zombie Army

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Salazar is a man of many talents. He cuts hair, tortures people, and also does a little zombie whispering on the side. How the fuck was this a plan? We’re supposed to believe 2,000 zombies took a stroll down Salazar Lane because he has a tiny flashlight? Salazar is good (New Daryl?) but he’s not THAT good. Also, how exactly are all these zombies helping them rescue their friends? Pretty sure you just significantly increased the odds someone in the group will get bitten by a zombie. It’s like trying to cook a Hot Pocket by lighting your kitchen on fire. Sure, maybe it accomplishes some of your objectives, but there’s got to be a better way.

3) Magic Fence

Man, these military guys are great at their job. Spraying bullets indiscriminately everywhere. Very good military work! Keep it up, your superiors will remember it come bonus time at the end of the year! The only one around here doing their job better than the soldiers is this magic fence deflecting 100% of all bullets. Fun fact: It’s cheaper to animate bullets sparking off a fence than it is to make a zombie’s head explode. Yet another fun fact: This is one of the most popular shows on TV — just spend the extra dough to make a zombie’s head explode.

4) Just A Little Bit Off The Top

If you’re going to kill yourself, go with the quiet dignity of jumping face first into spinning helicopter blades. Jeez, what a drama queen! It’s not always about you, dude! Everyone is having a tough day as it is; don’t think any of your friends on base needed that visual haunting their final moments.

5) Reunited And It Feels So Good

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He got his cuff links back! The satisfying closure I needed for the most thrilling story line we were lucky enough to experience this season. But he let him keep the watch? Only one of those two items will be useful in the end of days and I’m pretty sure it’s not the accessory for fancy dress shirts.

6) Darn Key Card!

These darn key cards! Always acting up! This was actually a pretty cool scene to build tension with the lights flickering and zombies approaching, I just thought it was funny that our life-and-death moment came down to someone furiously swiping a card over and over. What a mundane bit of her work life that suddenly became the most intense shit in the world. “Get to the next room! The doors only open if I can successfully join a conference call! Sometimes it just doesn’t work, we don’t know how to fix it! The parking garage? Fuck, the parking garage will only open if I can get our printer/scanner to print in color. IT ALMOST NEVER WANTS TO PRINT IN COLOR!!!”

7) Hero Dad Should’ve Killed This Dude

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“You know that guy you tortured? I let him go. I don’t see how this will come back to bite us in any way whatsoever. I am the leader of this group and I make strong decisions.” Great move, Hero Dad! I mean New Carl. Shoot, I mean Carl’s Senior? Sorry, learning my dumb fake names for these characters is proving to be just as difficult as learning their actual names. Whatever you want to call this dude, he blew it and got Daughter Lady shot. Lucky for her, she got shot by a uniformed member of the military, which means there’s no way that bullet was doing any kind of critical damage.

8) We’re Gonna Need A Better Boat

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I am not a professor of CGI. I don’t have a degree in boat graphics. But I feel like I’m not the only one who looked at my TV last night and wondered why this boat looks so shitty. Why did this boat look so shitty? Did the boat supervisor on this episode lose his job? Also, you definitely don’t need binoculars to see that boat. It’s a giant boat floating out there, hard to miss. He could’ve just pointed and been all, “It’s that boat. Over there.” But then Nick wouldn’t have been able to see his SUPER COOL binoculars. And honestly, what’s the point of buying super cool binocs if you’re not going to flex on house guests at every available opportunity?

9) Why’d You Get Your Pants So Dirty?

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I know you just shot your ex-wife in the head, and that’s gotta be a real serving of stress pie, but it doesn’t mean you should run into the ocean and get your clothes dirty. Clothes are hard to come by these days! Poor old Nick has been wearing some dead guy’s clothes for a week and a half! And did you notice how nice Strand’s house is? It’s super nice. Borderline uncomfortable nice. Definitely nice enough where he’s going to make you remove your pants when you come in from now on until you get some clean ones. Tune in next season! Will Salazar hold a grudge against Carl’s Senior for getting his daughter shot? Probably. Will Nick continue wearing clothes that don’t fit for no reason? OH, YOU KNOW IT! Will we be reminded that this show takes place in Los Angeles with no less than 17 shots of the downtown skyline EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE? Of course we will. Oh, and see you guys next Monday for a recap of ‘The Walking Dead’ season premiere!