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July 16, 2014

"So a guy walks into a bar and cuts off his own penis..."


Andre Johnson, the Wu-Tang-affiliated rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a building in North Hollywood, recently spoke about the incident, saying “I cut it off because that was the root of all my problems. My solution to the problem was the realization that sex is for mortals, and I am a god…” And guess what? This guy’s doing stand-up! That’s right, Johnson says he now wants to focus on his writing and his stand-up comedy. Here’s a transcript from one of his recent sets:

“Hey, what’s up you guys, I’m the rapper-turned-standup-comedian who recently cut off his own penis then jumped off a building. I’m gonna do some jokes for you now.

So butter knives are weird, right?”

[smattering of audience chuckles]

“I mean, do we really need a whole separate utensil just for butter? I can’t even cut through my own penis with these things!”

[several people get up to leave]

“The married guys know what I’m talking about. Quick show of hands, how many of the men here still have their penises?”

[all the men raise their hands]

“Not bad, not bad. Most of you guys. Wait, yep, all of you guys. As I said, I no longer have a penis because I recently cut mine off with a steak knife.”

[more people get up to leave]

“People sometimes say to me “Hey man, you cut off your own penis, that’s crazy”, but then I’m like “hey, which is crazier? Cutting off your own penis or doing COMEDY for a living?”

[audience member: “Cutting off your own penis. That’s crazier.”]

"Okay sir, please. Let me handle the jokes, alright? I don’t come down to where you work and try to cut off your penis.”

[different audience member: “That doesn’t make sense!”]

“So anyway, doctors are weird, right? I go to the doctor the other day and I say “Doc, I hate to tell you this but the other day I brutally severed my own penis from my body” - and he freaks out about it! I’m like “What? You said I needed to lose weight!”


"What else is goin’ on…

President Obama’s in the news, you guys see this? Apparently Obama’s been taking steps to cut carbon emissions. I don’t know much about cutting carbon emissions, but I do know a thing or two about cutting off my own-”

[vomiting audience member: “stop it!”]

“So I was on an airplane the other day, and I’m in the bathroom - you guys know these little bathrooms they got on these airplanes, right? Super tiny. So I’m in there and and I think to myself “I can’t pee in bathrooms anymore - I’m now forced to pee into a modified catheter device that extracts the urine directly from my bladder… Because I cut off my own penis!”

[the rest of the audience starts to file out, some tipping chairs as they go]

"Speaking of devices, everyone’s always texting nowadays! It’s constantly ‘OMG’ this and ‘ROTFL’ that. I’ll tell ya an abbreviation that would actually save me some time: ‘ICOMOP’ - ‘I cut off my own penis’. I’m constantly having to tell people that.

What else…

Have you guys ever been cutting off your own penis and the dog comes over and starts eating it? …No?”

[silence from completely empty room]

“The married guys know what I’m talkin’ about…”