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August 06, 2015
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What would happen if the father of America saw what the year 2015 was like?

In the not-too-distant future, a group of government scientists at a secret laboratory underneath the White House will finally discover the engima of time travel. The first person they decide to transport through the ages? The father of the United States himself, George Washington.

Hi, George! Welcome to the year 2015. I hope you’re not too frazzled. I’m not sure if you were just doing some important business, but we couldn’t wait to bring you over. I hope the ride through the past couple centuries was okay. I know it was little bumpy going through the 1940s- some real shit went down then.

So! This is 2015. What do you think so far?

Oh, that’s my iPhone. People in 2015 use it to make phone calls. What’s a phone? Oh boy, let’s not even get into that.

So, I have to tell you man– congrats on constructing the bedrock of the United States because we’re pretty powerful now! Well, maybe not as powerful as China, but we’re like right there.

But let me tell you, for the past 200 plus years– what? You’re wondering about my glasses? They’re bifocals. Oh yeah, your boy Ben Franklin invented these and we’re still using them! That’s pretty cool, right? Really? Homosexual tendencies? I don’t think people knew that about him.

Take a look at the view outside the window. Hasn’t Washington DC changed? You know we have a monument of you not far from here? I’m serious! It’s huge. And your face is on a mountain too! Don’t get too excited though, it’s in South Dakota. What’s a South Dakota!? It’s a state. Yeah, we have like 50 states now. They’re not all great, but hey- quantity over quality, am I right?

George… Are you okay? Why are you hyperventilating? Oh, that’s a plane! Calm down, man! It’s called an airplane! We discovered the miracle of flight, like, gosh… 100 years ago, I guess? Don’t be silly, the devil did not make that fly… it looks like a jet from Southwest’s fleet. Did you know they allow you to check two free bags? Jet Blue doesn’t even offer that anymore- something to keep in mind.

How’sAmerica’s budget doing? Uh, not great. We’re kind of in debt. How much? Oh boy, you’re gonna want to sit down for this one…. 17 trillion. Why are you laughing? No, I didn’t just make that up. Yes, a trillion is an actual number. It’s way more than a million. On the bright side, it is less than a zillion. So that’s good!

Let me show you something really cool. This is called a “computer” and we’re on a “website” called “Google” now. You can type anything into this search bar and have a world full of answers come back at you. It’s incredible. What’s “typing?” Uh, that’s not important right now, George. Just think of anything- any topic at all- and I’ll be able to get information about it. You have hundreds of years of knowledge at your fingertips.

You want me to search for the recipe for Chicken Marsala? … Alright. Well, let’s se here. According to the website for the Food Network, the Barefoot Contessa says to use flour, mushrooms, lemon… I’ll actually just print this out for you. Can we make sure George gets a copy before he leaves?!

Oh, check this out! It’s a dollar bill.. and your face is on it! Dope, right? People use it to buy stuff– like a bottles of Mountain Dew, or lottery tickets, or

What else, what else … Oh, check this out. It’s called a “Detergent Stick.” Let’s say you get a stain on your blue coat or something, you dab this stick on and the stain magically disappears! Pretty cool, right? No, it’s not witchcraft. It’s just the result of modern technology.

You see, George, society has changed a lot since the 1700s. It’s even changed a lot in the past few months, actually. Gay people are allowed to get married now! Um… Anal sex is legal too. Wow. I had no idea Martha was into that. Ben Franklin too? I guess I could have figured.

Uh, I wish we had more time– but we’re still figuring out this ‘time travel’ thing and we only have you for another two minutes before you’re zapped back to the 1770s. Any other questions?

Yes, I’m positive anal sex is legal. No, I’m not Googling it.

Uh, we should wrap this up. Well, thank you for the.. country, I guess? We as a nation really appreciate it. Well, most of us do.

Please keep your hands and feet inside the machine at all times.

Bye, George.

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