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Stats & Data

September 08, 2010

My very novice understanding of manhood and fantasy football.

I’m 23 years old. Some would say I’m becoming a man.. I’d like to think so, but I feel like I still have a long way to go.  Now if I were Jewish it would be a lot easier.  You turn 13, have a party, read the Torah, everybody shouts, and people tell you, “Son, you are becoming man!” (spoken very jewishly)..

My MANcard is still shiny and laminated, hardly a scratch on it.  That’s not how a MANcard should look!  It should be covered in oil from replacing the engine in your ‘73 Dodge Challenger.  It should be warped from being drenched in sweat after moving your girlfriend, and her oak furniture, into her new house.  It should be scratched up, corners missing, and bloody from the pledges vs. membersfraternity football game on that half-grass/half-gravel field on campus.  That’s what a MANcard should look like..  Mine looks more like McLovin’s fake ID from Superbad. (picture included)

However ladies, watch out.  I’m moving up in the world.  It officially only takes 2 days for my facial hair to replenish (in patches) after shaving.  I drive a truck now (still struggle with parking).  But MOSTimportantly I’ve joined a Fantasy Football League.  Yeaaaah baby, that’s right.  I now belong to the make-believe world of football Fantasia.   And from what I’ve gathered thus far it works like this:

  1. You get invited to join a league by one of your close friends.
  2. The league is compiled of your other college buddies and some random guys that the creator invited to join. *Probably work friends, ugh.
  3. Everyone creates a highly offensive name for his team usually involving a sexual act, racist stereotype, or something about gingers (red-headed people). *The more offensive the better.
  4. The members of the league are “randomly numbered” for drafting order.
  5. Once the draft commences, each person logs online, and has 90 seconds for each pick of who they want to fill their roster (16 total picks).  *The longer you take, the more annoyed everyone else gets, which is directly correlated to the increase in noise-level, which is directly correlated to your stress-level skyrocketing as the clock counts down to zero.
  6. Throughout the draft a “comments box” is at the bottom to provide communication between members of your league.  *This is used to acknowledge the sexual preference of each person, almost always homosexual, and to make jokes about how you don’t know what you’re doing. (in my case, I didn’t)
  7. Once every member has filled their roster, the draft is complete.
  8. The players you have selected for your team will each individually accumulate points based on their performance during the NFL season.
  9. The member with the most points in the league is the winner. Almost undoubtedly it will be someone “nobody saw coming.”  *If a work friend of the creator is declared the winner, the league was a waste of time.  Everyone denounces the creator.

Again, I’m completely new to this so I’m probably missing some major details.  But so far, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on it.  My knowledge of sports trivia and statistical research areVERY limited, so you might be asking why I have subjected myself to this, no doubt, humiliating process?  THE LEAGUE (pictured above).   A hilarious show on FX, all about this wonderful, imaginary athletic endeavor.  It begins it’s second season on September 16th at 10:30pm.  I suggest your eyeballs experience it.

   10. The winner gets money, watches/documents as the losers act out  their end of an embarrassing bet, and most importantly… they  achieve bragging rights for a year.  Regardless of the situation  nothing can top, being top of the league.

I’m 23 years old, and I’m a man damnit.