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May 10, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

North Carolina's gay marriage ban passed 61 percent to 39 percent after one of the state's largest primary voter turnouts. It was quite the gay bash.

In response to the amendment's approval, President Obama announced he officially supports same-sex marriage. A move sure to alienate the giant, huge, just absolutely massive asshole demographic.

In West Virginia's Democratic primary, 40 percent of voters chose Keith Judd, a Texas inmate, over Obama. Judd gave most of his credit to his wife, Debbie, for coming up with his campaign slogan, "Not Black."

Keith Judd apparently got on the ballot by filling out a form and paying a $2,500 fee. Said democracy, "I hate myself."

Russia’s newest commercial airliner disappeared during an exercise over Indonesia today. A search for the 15-year-old plane is already underway.

Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus, recently received dual Swiss citizenship. Marcus said the last time he received two of the same thing was "at the place where boobies get shown for dollars and coupons and stuff."

A sequel to "The Avengers" is officially in the works. Fans can expect it after a string of generally so-so movies featuring the superheroes by themselves.

A Houston neurosurgeon live-tweeted brain surgery as part of a teaching experience today. The lesson? Dropping an iPhone right onto a brain tumor doesn't help anybody.

Delta Airlines announced it's pulling its advertising from "The Daily Show" in response to a joke that featured a picture of a manger between a woman’s legs. "Now you know how I feel," said Rush Limbaugh to Jabba the Hutt if Jabba the Hutt was also racist.

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are teaming up to host a fundraiser for Elizabeth Warren's Massachusetts Senate campaign. Ticket sales are already wicked good.

In a recent speech, Vladimir Putin recalled how Russia stands up for its morals such as when it was attacked by the Nazis. At which point he then declared war on Palestinians.

Sen. Dick Lugar lost Indiana's Republican primary to the state's Tea Party-backed state treasurer. Nonetheless, Lugar graciously congratulated Dong Berreta.