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August 18, 2016

Reboots are trendy, but this 'Wild Things' reboot just doesn't understand the source material.

Everyone’s talking about Stranger Things, a new show on Netflix, but I don’t understand why. There are all kinds of TV show reboots to old stuff now, like Scream and Teen Wolf on MTV, which I think are incredible. So, I was excited for Stranger Things, because I’m a huge fan of the film franchise it’s rebooting: Wild Things (1998) and to its direct-to-video sequels, Wild Things 2 (2004), Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough (2005), and Wild Things: Foursome (2010).

That last one is especially cool because it’s the fourth movie in a series known for having threesomes, but in that one they do a foursome. Fourth movie, foursome, awesome. That’s partially why I was so excited to see what they’d heighten to in Stranger Things, the fifth installment in the series.

Sadly, I was disappointed.

So, I have a lot of problems with this reboot. First of all, they’re in Hawkins, Indiana instead of Blue Bay, Florida? FAIL. We want to see exotic plant life, birds, alligators, and chicks in bikinis for no reason. Blue Bay is the perfect setting for that. Instead, Hawkins, Indiana looks like that town from Poltergeist or E.T. where there are no babes in bikinis.

Next, for some reason this is now set in the 1980s? What is happening?! Wild Things has always been hip and current. I guess I can get behind a prequel, if the plot does the series justice. Like, I’d love to see the story about how Neve Campbell’s character got to be such a genius, but instead, what the fuck, a dude just gets eaten by a monster?!

Okay, when that happened, I was so confused. Yes, Wild Things is a thriller to some extent, but this is more like the X-Files. And I wanted the Sex Files – get it? I decided to keep watching the first episode, even though 4 minutes in I was totally lost as to how this connected to Wild Things in any way.

Another problem: there kids everywhere. There are no kids in the Wild Things that I know, except hot teenagers. These kids are just dorky nerds. Sure, there is the pivotal scene in the first Wild Things, where Denise Richards and that other chick are washing Matt Dillon’s jeep wearing daisy dukes and white t-shirts. SEXXXY. But who were the other two characters in that scene?

WT Screenshot.jpg

Lucas and Matt playing basketball, scoping chicks - what even is a demigorgan?!

None other than Matt and mother fucking Lucas. Playing basketball like cool kids, not D&D like dweebs. But more importantly, do they have any lines in that scene? No!!! Why would you take the two most pointless characters in the franchise and make them your leads? Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, if you ask me. Also, how are they the same age in 1983 as they are in 1998? Continuity much?!

Skipping ahead a few episodes, Will’s been taken by a monster?! Weird. There’s this bald girl with magic powers, Elle, who I can only guess grows up to be the super genius mastermind Neve Campbell, who we all know did magic in that first movie. She died and came back to life. So effing cool. Now, it feels like it’s finally time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, that righteous threesome scene. There are FIVE PEOPLE in this scene. Alternate title for Stranger Things - Wild Things: Fivesome. KILLLLERRR! Plus they’re in a pool and a guy is taking pictures nearby. This is just like the scene where Kevin Bacon spies on Neve Campbell and Denise Richards and basically makes a lesbian porno. My brain’s about to explode with anticipation. This is going to be awe—hold on, they’re leaving. Wait, no, okay,Barb is… Barb is all alone… The music’s weird… What’s… What’s about to happen to Barb… OH, NO, BAAAAAAARB!

I guess I just do not get this series. What IS this monster?! In Wild Things, there are alligators always looming. At any moment, they can snap, but they never do. It’s a metaphor. It’s like life, man. In this show, a weird faceless alien is killing children.I… This just really isn’t in the spirit of Wild Things. I mean, it’s like they’re not even trying to be sexy. Like at all.