On Wednesday May, 14, my best friend, Josh, proposed to his girlfriend. I was fortunate enough to witness the event. The following is an open letter I wrote to Josh after this joyous occasion:
To My Dearest Friend,
Joshua Jeffery Stifter:
Engagement. How does one define the word? ‘Webster’s Dictionary’ defines Engagement as: ‘An encounter, conflict or battle.’ Well pardon my French, Mr. Webster, but you can just go ahead and lick my sweaty ball bag. Because the engagement I witnessed was not a ‘Conflict’ is was a ‘Love-flict.’ To me, and engagement is when a person asks for another’s hand in marriage, and then they say ‘yes’, and then they wear rings. Which is exactly what I witnessed last night.
When I first heard of your intentions of ‘engaging’ a young Miss Jennifer Hunter, a sea of emotions came over my entire body and inhabited every dark orifice I had. An ocean of questions came to my mind. A river flows through my back yard.
I wondered if these two were ready for such a commitment. I wondered if they were crazy for doing something so crazy. I wondered if I had seen Josh’s wiener more times than Jenny. I wondered if I had seen Josh’s wiener more times than Josh had. I pondered these questions for mere minutes, and I came to the following conclusions: Yes, No, Yes, and Probably.
After tackling these tough issues, I realized that love isn’t about how old you are, or how crazy you are, or even how many times you’ve seen someone’s wiener. Love is much more than all that. And throughout this year I have seen that you two truly are in love. I’m honored that I got to be there and watch my best friend propose to his girlfriend from behind a tree, like a lonely pervert, and I’m excited for the two of you to start a new chapter in your so-called lifes. Congrats!
P.S. – I love you