In September, Waka Flocka Flame bravely came clean about his lack of “perfect” blunt-rolling abilities. In an attempt to fill the enormous perfect blunt void in his life, the rapper reached out on Instagram and Twitter to those whose skills outweigh his own: he offered a $50,000 annual salary for the position of personal blunt roller. Waka said, “It’s not just a fucking job. To me, the people you work with become your real friends and your real family.”
Although the position of Blunt-Roller-Extraordinaire-and-Best-Friend has been filled, the following are positions for which Waka Flocka Flame is currently hiring:
- Travel-Sized Joint Roller. Joints must be super tight but not too tight, and small enough to fit inside Waka’s smallest Jesus piece. For reference, it is only 1 inch long.
- Bong, bubbler, piece, pipe, vape Cleaner. Yeah, just all the glass, really. This may sound like a shitty job, but we promise you will always get greens.
- Marijuana Chef. Will be asked to prepare both baked goods of various kinds, as well as more challenging dishes such as veal or quail lightly braised in Extra Virgin Mary Jane, as well as soufflés. Soufflés are tough, you guys, so only apply if you can really make one without it collapsing in on itself!!! No one likes an ugly weed soufflé, so be honest with yourself and with us.
- Rolling Paper Artist. You know what’s really fun? When you’re taking a hit from the consummate blunt, rolled by someone you love very much and also happen to pay 50k a year, and you look down at it as you inhale, and it’s got a perfect rendition of Starry Night on it glimmering up into your eyes. That closeness to Art can just really make a moment.We’re looking for someone with a delicate touch who can fill Waka’s papers with beautiful designs, miniature paintings, and fun comics for when he’s feeling down. Keep in mind that rolling paper can be flimsy, and we won’t tolerate any rips or tears! It’s like a burrito: nobody likes when the guacamole falls out on account of a deteriorating tortilla.
- Toilet Paper Buyer. It’s seriously the worst when you’re lit AF and you have to take a dump on account of the flax and chia weed granola bars your marijuana chef made for breakfast, and there’s NO TOILET PAPER. Do you understand just how traumatizing that can be? You’ve got to call for your squad to run to the store while you just sit there on the toilet alone, pondering why everyone can’t just love each other and live in harmony before it’s too late. For this position you must have a determined work ethic and a go-getter attitude.
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