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March 24, 2015

I've had enough of Beyoncé for one lifetime. My bakery and I want this madness to stop.

Beyonce T.jpg

Hi this is Cathleen Mayberry. I’m the owner of the bakery you’re standing in front of right now. First off, thank you so much for taking the time to come Mayberry and daughters! We opened up 3 months ago and are glad to be a new addition to Metro Detroit’s array of local business. Also, thanks for reading this flyer on the outside of my door. Normally I wouldn’t do this,but an issue has been plaguing Mayberry and daughters for a while now. Everyday for the last 2 months, somebody has broken into the bakery and left a life sized cardboard cut out of Beyoncé in the middle of our bakery. Why this happened and continues to happen is beyond me.

The first time a life sized cut out of Ms. Knowles was left inside my shop, I thought it was quite funny. I left Beyoncé in my shop for the day and let people come in and take photos with her, and at the end of the day I threw her in the trash. When I walked in the next morning, I was surprised to find another cut out of Beyoncé in our store. And it wasn’t the one that I threw in the trash the day before; it was a brand new copy. Again, I thought it was pretty entertaining, so I let Beyoncé stay for the day, and then threw her in the trash again. The same thing happened the next day, and the next day, and so on. To say the least, I am broken.

People have said that I’m being over dramatic. And Ya’ll know that I’ll be the first to admit when ol’ Cathy’s acting batty. But I assure you, if you walk into your place of business and lock eyes with a life sized cardboard cut out of Beyoncé for the 29th time in a row, you will be…upset. Now, there are a few reasons that I’m upset. One reason is that I don’t enjoy having to put Beyoncé in the trash every day. Another is that whenever the city comes to pick up our garbage, they never take Beyoncé with them. As you all could see, for days I had 31 Beyoncés (and counting) in front of Mayberry and daughters. Now, ya’ll know I don’t believe in wasting material.So when life gives you cardboard cut outs of Beyoncé, make an oven, use Beyoncé to fuel the fire inside the oven, and make strawberry muffins, which are on sale inside!

Now if this is some sort of hazing ritual that’s done to all the new stores at some point, then fine, I pledged in college, I get it. If this isn’t some sort of hazing, but the dirty work of somebody in our community, then I must ask this:

· What is your end game here? Did “Mayberry and Daughters” do something to offend you? If so, just let me know what we did (or are doing) so we can fix our operations and squash this one-sided beef.

· Do you just have a bunch of cardboard cut outs of Beyoncé that you want to get rid of? If that’s the case then you can take them all to the dump, or do as I did and make an oven, use you Beyoncé to fuel the fire inside that oven, and make strawberry muffins.

· Are you an evildoer hell bent on decaying the mental state of a kind Georgia peach such as myself? If so, you’ve succeeded,Beyoncé is a constant variable in my life (I even see her in my dreams) and I want her to stop.

Whatever the reason may be, I kindly ask whoever keeps plaguing Mayberry and Daughters with life sized cardboard cut outs of Beyoncé Knowles to stop. If you continue to do so, then I will end you. Now stop reading this poster and come on in ya’ll! We’ve got a delicious array of baked goods inside! All of which are made with our most valued ingredients: brown sugar, love, and a festering hatred of life sized cardboard cut outs of Beyoncé.

Yours truly,

Cathleen Mayberry