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March 25, 2012

The pun-loving critic reviews the greatest love story of all time ... and ... spoiler alert... IT TOTALLY SINKS!





                We may “Remember the Titans”, but we are sure to forget the “Titanic 3D”, one of the worst 3D movies about boats I have ever seen. This movie really sinks!

                The year is 1912, only 14 years before I was born. All aboard for the “Titanic”! Well, the credits have barely read “Titanic” and I am already all a-BORED! Sometimes life and boats move too fast, but these three hours sure didn’t. I have no idea what this movie was even a-BOAT! So many stupid and pointless plot points that by the end of the movie my head was spinning so hard you could have called me the King of the Whirled! I was so OARED of it, I checked out. CANOE even tell me what happened?

           Call me John Travolta, but I thought this plot was cookie-Kotter. There’s a very lame love story shoe-HORNed into the plot that we’re suppose to swallow. It pains me to say this, buoys and girls, but I think young, naive people who don’t know any better will actually fall for this stupid couple hook, line, and SINKER!

              Some of the acting was so bad that I wanted to Kate WINSLET my wrists! You can tell that the young actor playing Jack was purely in it for the pay check. Well, Leo was reportedly paid like how he looks – HANDSOMELY! I bet he spent every cent of his pay check on a hooker binge in Brazil! Leo, looks like your DICK is UP in RIO! On a side note, it seems like a missed opportunity pun-wise that Tom Cruise was not in this movie.

          Not to mention the soundtrack of this veritable crapfest! It sounded like somebody punched a sick raccoon in the spleen. “My Heart Will Go On?” More like, “my hard-on is gone”! The last moments of the film simply CELINE-d on her to carry this tune. Well, Miss Dion, what are you on? Wait. Let me fix that. That could have read, WATER you on?  

            Has it really come to this? I knew it Holly-WOOD. Though it happened a few short months ago, James Cameron has already given us a lame screen adaptation of the crashing of the Italian Concordia. One thing that you might be shocked to know is that James Cameron ripped off the script from “Titanic 3D” from a 1997 movie that he himself wrote and directed! The characters, dialogue, and camera work, is copied verbatim! It is one thing to burgle a plot, but it is quite another to ICE-BURGle a plot from yourself, SNOW less! Despite being presented in the third dimension, “Titanic 3D” is flatter than a piece of paper on which a screenplay about pancakes is written! I will save you the trouble and sum up the movie in four simple words that also should have been this movie’s title. “Sinker Sailor Toldya Die”.

         Row, row, row your boat, away from the screen! Verily, verily, verily, verily, worst film ever seen.