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January 26, 2016
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The Bachelor goes to Vegas! And what happens in Vegas stays pretty boring because this dude is a milk toast snoozefest.

Below is a recap from The Bachelor episode from 1-25-16, the one where they go to Las Vegas. Spoilers, obviously.


1. Women Get Super Excited Over Stuff

To be on a show like this in the first place, you have to be able to get excited and shriek like you’re in the Oprah audience.

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Sidebar: Speaking of Oprah, did you see the I love bread commercial? It was the best. Oprah is the best. Make one million of these.

So Chris Harrison tells the women they are going to Vegas and they scream like Oprah is giving them presents. When they are in Vegas, they see a big sign from Ben saying he’s glad they are there, they scream. When Ben comes over, they scream. They scream, you scream, we all scream for Olivia to chill out.

2. Olivia Will Murder Or Marry Ben

I wanted to like Olivia at first. She seemed confident and smart. There was a little of the fake show business charm, but it was still charming. Now I think she’s just nuts. Bo-bo Cameron Diaz goes crazy in this episode. In a fun, Lace type of way. Which means she gets upset and then keeps apologizing for getting upset only making herself more upset and apologize more.

Sidebar: Lace … I hope you’re working on a spin-off reality show about you bettering yourself. I’ll watch that. Cross my heart I will.

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“Ben is mine. I’ll marry him or kill him.” - Olivia, probably

Olivia keeps talking about how Ben is hers. Basically it’s a done deal and he is her man. Up to a point, that shows confidence. But Olivia sprinted past that point three episodes ago. This is not the face of confidence. This might be the face of homicide.

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3. Helicopter Redux

The first one-on-one of the night is with Jojo! She seems cool, but perhaps shady because she always seems to be around when a girl is melting down. Ben takes her to a big parking lot with a cocktail table and she pretends to be enchanted. Then their ride comes. It’s a helicopter! (Didn’t he just pick up Jubilee in a helicopter last week?)

Cool entrance, bro.

Ben and Jojo fly somewhere, doesn’t matter, and have a kind of confusing conversation about Jojo’s last relationship, which ended five months ago. That seems pretty recent, so Ben asks her if she’s ready for something serious. She of course replies that yes, she is definitely ready. All I know for sure is that she is definitely not ready. Five months is not a long time, she gets teary at the drop of a hat and couldn’t speak clearly about her past relationship. Did she say something about cheating? Was she avoiding pronouns? Definitely not ready. But she is totally ready for Ben’s final surprise: fireworks.

OK, so it’s not their own private concert, but fireworks are cool too. All the women notice the fireworks from their hotel and assume that they are for Ben and Jojo, which is a little presumptuous. Ladies, it’s Vegas. There are fireworks coming out of vaginas if you want. Not everything has to do with you and your Bachelor.

4. So Many Untalented Women

For the group date, the women meet Ben for a talent show competition. He introduces them to what I would call a lower tier ventriloquist. He asks the ladies if they have any talents and none of them said a word! NOT ONE OF THEM! None of them said they had a talent! Embarrassing for yourselves and for women and for your families. Nothing? Yuck. Ben should have dumped you all.

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“Crap, I have no talent. I have no talent.” - Lauren B., feminist

The women will be performing for an audience of 1,200. 1,200 people come and see this ventriloquist? If he says so. Somehow 1,200 people show up to see these clowns. One of them legit dressed as a clown. One as a chicken. I saw some balloon animals maybe.

The twins, still a mystery as to what the hell is happening with them, actually do have a talent. They can dance. They thank their mother for getting them dance lessons. A shame they can’t thank their mother for teaching them to act as individuals and not a unit.

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Even super confident Olivia says she doesn’t have a talent and resorts to some weird showgirl hopping out of a cake gimmick that includes a half-hearted dance. It was painful for everyone, especially Ben.

When you can’t unsee something

Olivia is a newscaster. Couldn’t she have reported on the story of the competition and been pretty cute doing that? That’s a talent. Instead she took her clothes off and didn’t even own it. Did anyone get a good look at her toes?

Olivia has a panic attack after the show because … well because she is Olivia. Not even sure if it was a panic attack; I think she was just crying kinda hard.

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“If I say I’m having a panic attack, someone will pay attention to me.” Olivia, daily

5. Ben Calls Caila A Sex Panther

Caila, who seems cute, but might be crazy — because come on, they all are — wasn’t having the best time on the group date. She said she was used to being spoiled like on their one-on-one. You know, that one time. So she pounces on Ben as soon as they are alone and Ben is suddenly calling her a sex panther. I think we just found out that Ben is a virgin.

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Was that FRENCH kissing?!

6. Kindergarten Kisses Penis Puppet

Kindergarten is carrying around a weird puppet (did she win the talent show? I stopped paying attention.) She gets Ben to play with it and he calls it Little Ben, which is so clearly a reference to his penis. Plus it’s wearing a weird toupee so it definitely looks like Ben’s penis.

They both talk to Little Ben and it’s clearly his penis and all I can see is penis penis penis and then she kisses it!!! She’s a kindergarten teacher! This is going to be hard to explain to her classroom.

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No way to look at this and not see that as Ben’s penis.

7. Ben Wants To Know If Becca Can Feel Things? (Like Penises?)

Becca gets the next one-on-one, and after a really weird faux proposal, and sitting through stranger’s weddings, she and Ben have a talk about the elephant in the room. Sex. First they beat around the bush (hehehe) and say “feel” or “feeling” like a million times. It was like that fortune cookie game where you add “in bed” to the end of your fortune. These two could have added, “my dick” to the end of each of their questions. “I just want to know you can feel (my dick),” “I can feel (your dick) and I’ve never wanted to feel (your dick) this much.”

Ben finally talked about her virginity and said that he was not a virgin. (So much for my sex panther theory). Then they kissed. Becca is probably a great kisser. It’s really all she has to go on. Well, after that feel my dick conversation, maybe she gives hand jobs. Does she have rules? We need to know them. All of them. Sorry Becca, round two on a reality show — we need the details.

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8. Two Twins, One Date

Ben specifically asks to spend the day with the twins in their hometown. Perhaps he is finally going to get to know them as individuals. Perhaps it’s easy to dump someone if you can give them a quick ride home.

Ben does indeed take them to their house where we are treated to a tour of their bedrooms. Yup, these two still live with mom. In Haley’s bedroom, she still has framed photos of her ex boyfriend up, stuffed animals on the bed, and probably a night light.

“Eh, whoops, what’s that doing here?” - A twin

Then in Emily’s room, she curls up on him ready to make out high school style and throws her sister under the bus by saying she doesn’t have a connection with him. Sweetie pie (Ben) takes the bait and against all odds, separates the twins! He takes only Emily back, leaving Haley to cry in her mother’s orange arms! This is the worst idea ever. There’s no way Ben is going to end up with Emily and now he’s separated them. It’s not up to him to separate them. They are to live together forever like a Vegas version of Grey Gardens.

This might be the meanest thing the producers on this show have ever done. And remember when they made sweet Emily Maynard ride in a race car after her ex was killed in a race car?! NEVER FORGET.

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Then more stuff happened at the rose ceremony (Olivia was cray-cray and super bitchy), Amber went home (Go straight home, Amber. Do not stop at another reality show.) And some chick named Rachel who is unemployed also did not get a rose.

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Available for interviews!

Ben is still boring, so many girls are indistinguishable and Olivia is going to go full mean girl next week. Can’t wait.

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