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Published July 24, 2012

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We're in the midst of wedding season, guys. That means lots of drunken toasts. Here's a primer for what you're bound to see.

1. Best Man Who Thinks Tales of Debauchery = Good Speech
Awesome! Way to embarrass the groom, yourself, and everyone in attendance! I can't wait to hear how this couple begins their marriage now knowing about the prostitutes you two picked up seven years ago. Which is worse? The part of the story in which you called the escorts or the part of the story where the groom was "too much of a pussy to get an AIDS test afterward." HAHAHA Good times! Good speech!

2. The Standup Routine
Cool. Really glad you put together a tight five for this wedding. You really crushed it out there. I wonder if the bride's great aunt knows the talent booker at Conan. But while you were giving your musings on "why men and women should never get married" (awesome topic, by the by), you forgot to say anything personal about the couple. Super good friend.

3. Friend Clearly in Love With the Bride
Often he was not asked to give a toast and don't worry, he didn't need to plan anything in advance. This was written years ago and rehearsed in his head on a daily basis. It usually consists of telling overcompensating stories about how the two are great friends and have always felt a kinship beyond any romantic relationship. His eye contact? Fixed right on the bride, never acknowledging the existence of the man she's chosen to spend her life with.

4. Friend Clearly in Love With the Groom
This comes in two forms: one is an old friend of the groom, convinced he was too dumb to realize what he had in front of him. The other is the friend of the bride, who has fallen madly in love with her best friend's man. The latter's speech consists of talking about how lucky the bride is. For 20 minutes.

5. The Maid of Honor Who Won't Stop Crying
We get it. You love her. That's why you were given this "honor." Now stop getting choked up, get your speech out, and get on with it so we can all take advantage of the open bar. These spiked Arnold Palmers are not going to drink themselves.

6. The Father of the Groom Who Doesn't Know How To Give a Toast
He will awkwardly stand up and thank everyone for coming to the rehearsal dinner and then proceed to show a room full of close friends and family that he doesn't know how to emote about his son. Sometimes this will just consist of a rundown of all his son has accomplished, as if he was reading the groom's Wikipedia page.

7. The Father of the Bride
Just a solid toast. No matter what he says, this one will be a crowd-pleaser.

On the other hand…

8. Cold-Hearted Mom Just Going Along With It
Great speech, lady. Really awesome how you implied you could never be replaced when that's what this whole marriage is really about. Replacing you.

9. The Racist Uncle Using The Speech as a Political Platform
No, Uncle Jim, just because you're at a wedding does not mean you can give your thoughts on the sanctity of marriage and how today's overly-tolerant culture is depriving us of that.

10. The Senile Grandma Who May be in the Midst of a Stroke
What she's telling herself in her head during the speech: "You've got them in the palm of your hand. Everyone wants to hear what wisdom the eldest family member can impart. Keep this up. Everyone loves you."
What she's actually saying: "I think I smell toast."
This one's unfortunate because everyone really does want to hear what she has to say, but it's hard to understand her due to all the guacamole that is still in her mouth from the cocktail hour.

 

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