Victoria Crocker: Baby sitter
Written by: AMG
(Husband and wife arrive home after a long boring evening at an art gallery)
(W): Hey how were the kids? (B): Great, so how did you two enjoy art gallery conference? (H): if you call spending three hours walking in a circle talking about the difference between Abstract and concrete a conference, then it sucked; donkey nuts, incredible donkey nuts. (W): Robert! (H): well she asked. (W) So was everything alright? (B): yeah great, I think, hmm, is it time for me to go home now? (W): well okay, the kids didn’t give you a hard time did they? (B): No, pleasant and quiet as can be.
(W): you sure, I know they can be a hassle sometimes. And they didn’t break anything? (H): Honey, you sound surprised they didn’t break anything? (W) Well they are our children. (H): Hmm you’re right. (W): so everything was fine right? (B) Ha ha (laughing nervously) funny you should mention that. (H): why the hell are we still in the doorway? (B) Ha ha (laughing nervously again) funny you should mention that. (Both parents at same time): what happened? (B) Well let’s see. Okay, the kids watched TV, colored, drew, played games, watched a movie, I fixed them dinner they ate it, watched more TV, oh yeah did some homework then there nightly chores then I put them to bed.
Then… I watched TV, checked the mail, ate some dinner, broke your kitchen table, walked the dog, took out the trash, and vacuumed the whole- (H): (tire screech) Errr! Slow your roll, back up, what’d you say (B): when? (H): Just now. (B): When? (In a weird way) (H): nah nah nah, back up the explanation of your eventful night. (B): what part? (H): towards the end. (B) The middle or the end? (H): End please. (B): are you sure because I can start over at the beginning if you want? (W) End is fine. (B): oh, I vacuumed your house which by the way you didn’t let me finish, but it’s okay. (H): no before that. (B) Took out the trash, walked the dog? (H): no and no. Before that. (B) Oh, I ate some dinner that I made, there’s still some left if you two want some? (H): you made Lasagna meatball Alfredo didn’t you? Bitch (thinking inside his head) No, the part after when you ate. (B): you mean when I said that I vacuumed the carpets, yes the S means plural.
No before you walked the dog, after you checked the mail and when did you break the kitchen table? (B): Oh, that part, why didn’t you just ask that in the first place? Okay, see what had happened was, right and I bet down the road in life we’re gonna look back at this and laugh. (Parents give her a stern look) (B): any way, now I know how I broke the table but the window, that’s for another night. Or later you know whatever comes first. Ok, I was in your kitchen standing on your chair, by your table, with me so far? (P): yea (B): any who’s, in your refrigerator eating your food, talking on your phone thinking of nothing, hoping and guessing the kids were okay with the TV watching them for a couple of hours, while I ran up your phone bill, only by a little and raid your kitchen looking for some food so I can feed these little crumb-snatchers.
Then I saw some expired ice cream in the back of the freezer and thought, hey if I eat this and get sick, I could potentially have a law suit. Then I lost my balance while holding the phone, remote control, your alcohol, only a little, some food all while standing on a chair. You should really look into some wider seat cushions. Then I fell Crash, boom, on the table. Luckily it caught my balance and broke my fall.
I could’ve broken something important. (H): what the fuck did she just say? I know she didn’t just say that? You know what; I should give you an old fashion grandma ass whooping. In fact yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do. (W): Robert, No, No you can’t do that, she’s only 17 technically a minor. (B): oh, but you know what my dad’s rich and plus with the money I’m gonna get from you guys babysitting tonight, I can just buy you a new one. Plus my dad sent over this package for your Mr. Robert, said that he finally got that Hawaii import that you two were talking about, and besides I kind of did you a favor. Didn’t you tell my father and I quote that your wife just bought the most ridonkulous ugly ass kitchen table and you wish you could get rid of it and get a new one? Well, now you can and I did, so in a way you’re welcome. (H): Bitch (saying under his breath to her) (the baby sitter starts to walk off squeezing through the husband and wife. Saying) I’ll just leave you two to sort this amongst yourselves.
Sounds like a marriage thing. (W): First off, what the fuck was she talking about, Hawaiian souvenir? (H): You know baby, the Maui Hawowi souvenir, pineapple, coconut souvenir. We always, well you wanted to try. (W): Because if you bought another one of those retarded ass statues, and you talk about my table. I’m going to kick your ass, Robert. (H): uhhhh, oooooh, shit. (And the whole time the wife is just bitching in his ear and tunes her out, the babysitter walks off and says) (B): Goodnight, oh and don’t worry about paying (H): hell I wasn’t (B): I’ll just send you a bill for tonight. (H): You know what? I should kick you in the face little girl. But I can’t cause its abuse and shit, when really you, you started this whole shit oh my God she’s lucky her dad is my connect, otherwise it’s game time bitch.
My foot your ass a little Red Forman style (thanks That 70’s show.)
This is why I fucking hate kids, I should fuck you up. Look I know I’ve known your dad since you were born and stuff and technically I may, might, could, be your God father or something but he’s gonna have to get himself a new daughter, because I’m selling your ass to china. I guess what I’m trying to say here is I’m not your friend anymore.
(B) Awe, Mr. Robert, I love you too. (H): No that’s not, that’s not what the fuck I said. (B): Look, I know you really don’t mean that, well maybe right now but I also know that you like to threaten people. Well, it’s more that you actually threaten people than you liking it, I think it’s a part of how you communicate but you do it, to a lot of people a lot, like my dad, my mom, me and my little brother and our dog. Actually it’s just mostly our family that’s weird but I’m sure everyone else get’s their fair share of yelling and threats, right?
I also know that you hate kids but you have two of your own so you must not hate them all that much, right? Or is it because your wife is very beautiful and it just happened. Or did you adopt them or kidnapped oh are you doing charity work, wait you’re not that nice. But you do love them and deep down deep, deep down you know because they’re monsters and all, you love them, Right? And after you unwrap my father’s present you’ll forget about this whole thing in the morning. (She walks off, then turns around) oh, until you go into your kitchen again, night. (H): Son of a bitch.