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January 21, 2013

Use the following guide to help you discern… Mandy Patinkin: Fact or Fiction.

Thanks to the surging popularity of the widely acclaimed Showtime series Homeland, actor Mandy Patinkin’s star is shining brighter than a lamp that’s turned up to the bright setting. Naturally, viewers around the world are asking the obvious questions: “What do I need to know about Mandy Patinkin? How will Mandy Patinkin affect me and my family? How will Mandy Patinkin affect… my son Greg?”

Now more than ever, it is crucial that we all understand the facts, risks and rewards presented by the Mandy Patinkin phenomenon. But beware: there is plenty of misinformation out there. Use the following guide to help you discern… Mandy Patinkin: Fact or Fiction.

1. Mandy Patinkin is the same guy who said, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Fact. Before Mandy Patinkin became your grumpy Jewish uncle who works at the CIA in Homeland, he was your young, swashbuckling, revenge-obsessed Spaniard uncle in the 1987 classic, The Princess Bride. No one knows what Mandy Patinkin was doing between 1987 and 2012. No one knows and no one must ever know.

2. Mandy Patinkin is the same guy from Roseanne and The Big Bang Theory.

Fiction. The guy from Roseanne is named John Galecki. I think. Although, it is possible that I’ve been tricked by some extremely elaborate, pointless, decades-spanning long con. Maybe that is him, actually.

3. Mandy Patinkin is an accomplished singer.

Fact. Mandy Patinkin has been singing Broadway musicals and showtune numbers like “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows” and “Over the Rainbow” for decades, suggesting an insuppressible desire to publicly humiliate his father and confuse his male friends.

4. All I really need to know about Mandy Patinkin I learned in Kindergarten.

Fiction.  It’s a common misconception, but most kindergarten classrooms barely scrape the surface when it comes to Mandy Patinkin.

5. Mandy Patinkin is always angry.

Fiction. Mandy Patinkin suffers from Chronic Upset Eyebrows Syndrome – or “CUES.” In reality, he is rarely upset. Patinkin’s primary doctor was quoted as saying, “I suppose you could say that Mandy is often the victim of misinterpreted facial CUES. Eh? C-U-E-S. Get it? Ehhh…? Is this thing on?”

On the rare occasion that Mandy Patinkin is genuinely angry, his eyebrows form the shape of a hairy lemniscate (the infinity symbol), and he instinctively emits a defensive odor resembling that of freshly boiled mustard greens.

6. If I see an angry Mandy Patinkin in public, I should run away screaming and alerting others of danger.

Fiction. It sounds like you might actually be thinking about a bear or a homeless person here. If you see an angry Mandy Patinkin in public, hold perfectly still and try not to make any loud noises. The truth is that angry Mandy Patinkin is just as afraid of us as we are of him.