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September 12, 2017

Whackin' it at work isn't a "staffing issue", Ted. It's a "sign of sexual frustration".

On September 11th,2017, Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter (@tedcruz) liked a tweet from “@SexuallPosts”that featured a porno.

Everyone has their own way of mourning, I guess. But Christ, Ted. Ever heard of incognito mode?

Anyhow, here are some more tweets Ted liked, freaked out and said, “The world is on fire!”, then deleted and blamed on a “staffing issue”. If you’re tugging it at work, at least own up to it. We get it, but take responsibility for your digital jizz stains, would you?

1. Murderous Sex Robots

If you’re trying to hide your true identity as the Zodiac Killer, Ted, you’re doing a pretty shit job.

sex robot 2.png

Those cheekbones could DEFINITELY slit a man’s throat.

2. A Literal Post About the Zodiac Killer



I bet you fucking do, Ted. I bet you fuckin’ do.

3. His Horoscope

Did you know he’s a Capricorn?

stained teeth.png

Ever heard of Colgate, buddy?


\#justcapricornthings \#beautyisontheinside

4. Just some more #capricornthings

I feel like you have better things to do with your time Senator, but I’m sure distracting yourself from masturbating at your desk is rough.


Is that how you lured your VICTIMS, TED?!

5. Oh, He Got Us GOOD.

Somehow taking delight in knowing he’s fooled some of the population.

not serial.png

Such an opportunist, Teddy.

6. His Daily Existential Crisis

If only it were this easy. I feel him on this one.



7. The Same Existential Crisis, Again

He actually just wound up clicking the “like” button on that last tweet so much he unliked it, then liked it again. Over and over.
54 times, to be exact. Poor guy.

8. Finding Stability in Faith

Some of us pray. Some of us stress eat. Some of us need to feel and confirm the amount of saline our cells contain. Like a tree frog.
I feel like Ted does all three.


Are we surprised he’s a secret Scientologist?

9. Here We Go Again

And he was doing so good. Christ.
Is no one going to point out that this is a conspiracy theory Twitter?


He’s definitely a “take the reins” type of gal.

10. …I Mean, He Was Trying To Be Polite?

It’s just that Southern gentleman in him, I suppose.


And we’re back at square one.