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Stats & Data

August 22, 2010


Dear Parents and/or Guardians,

Your children are not as adorable as you seem to think they are. In some cases they might be somewhat cute. But in most cases your children are selfish, whiney, little malcontents wreaking havoc throughout the city and holding the rest of us hostage as they demand candy, toys, and attention. They’re always throwing tantrums. Why don’t they just grow up? Eventually children become tolerable (sometime around the age of 18).

But in the meantime why do you need to bring them everywhere? Certain places I understand: the park, baseball games, ice cream parlors. If you want to take your kids there go ahead. But other places should be off limits such as cafés on Saturday mornings when I’m hungover and trying to have my breakfast. What did your three year old say, “Mommy I want some espresso and an almond croissant! I want it now!” Whatever happened to frosted flakes, apple juice, and Saturday morning cartoons? It wouldn’t even be a problem if you didn’t have so many goddamn kids. I can understand having one or two, but four? Are you serious? You’ve got a crying baby in your arms while you hold your latte, a toddler is pushing a baby carriage with a fake baby and slamming it into people’s chairs, and the other two are running around playing tag. Did I mention that I’m hungover? It’s the Lower Haight, I’m pretty sure everybody’s hungover and we’ve got headaches. Can’t you turn the volume down on those things?

What’s even more galling is that you get tax breaks for these tiny terrorists. Each of these kids will cost society thousands of dollars for the public school system and the sanitation department with all those dirty diapers, but you end up getting financially rewarded at my expense. Where’s my tax break as a single person who hasn’t produced any burdens on the welfare state?

People always hesitate to criticize children. They rattle off excuses like, “They’re still developing” or “You used to be a child, too.” The difference is my parents knew enough not to obnoxiously thrust me upon society until I was at least five or six. My mom referred to this as the Church rule: you shouldn’t bring kids to Church until they’re old enough to sit still and be quiet for at least an hour. Well, breakfast is my Church and I think I deserve the same respect Christians get when they go to worship.

Childless and Happy