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February 03, 2018
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Fitbit to release new product to help measure internet rage

Fitbit
San Francisco
Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Introducing FITbit: for measuring fits online

At Fitbit, innovation is at the heart of what we do. That’s why we’re always looking for ways to take our products to the next level. Also, we like making money! Lots and lots of money. We’re so rich lol.

At one point, Americans cared about cutting calories. We liked going outside. We liked running, for some reason. And we liked hearing our moms say, “Actually, I’m going to keep walking, I need to hit my steps goal for the day.”

Steps were like gold, and the last few years were like the fucking California Gold Rush.

But it’s 2018 now and those days are long gone. THEY’RE GONE AND THEY’RE NEVER COMING BACK, OKAY? I’m sorry for yelling I had a lot of caffeine this morning because my boss said I have to finish this ASAP. I get paid very little and work a lot.

Anyways, what we’re trying to say is: getting exercise is OUT — getting mad online is IN.

Yes, our team of data-synergy-consulting-experts have ran the numbers and the results are clear. Nothing has ever been this popular since ending Prohibition. People LOVE getting angry online. Whether it’s about politics, sports, or Blake Shelton — it doesn’t matter what the topic or stance is, you can bet someone will get mad about it.

We’ve even developed a formula to help illustrate this:

P x O + I = A

or…

Person x Opinion + Internet = Anger

Fitbit is Einstein and this is the modern E = MC2. We are geniuses please give us your money.

We know what you’re probably thinking. “I get it, people like being Mad Online, I have a Twitter account this isn’t breaking news.”

Sure, sure. BUT, have you had a way to actually measure how mad you get online? No, no you haven’t. That is until now.

We’re putting the fit back in fitness.

Our new product tracks all of your fit-related goals. How many times do you say “fuck” while you’re scrolling through Twitter? FITbit tracks that. How many times do you roll your eyes while reading articles? Finally you can know. What is your ratio of yelling vs crying when you read Trump’s name? We’ve got you covered.

Oh, also it’s waterproof! Don’t know if people still care about that kind of thing.

Don’t just count your steps, count your steps towards a breakdown. Reserve yours today!

God help us all.

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