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Published December 29, 2011

 

What Your New Year Resolution Says About You

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Making a New Year’s resolution comes with the implication that I am not a perfect human being and I am uncomfortable with that assertion. Also, the fact that it’s going to be 2012 instead of 2011 doesn’t motivate me to do a damn thing. I don’t let anything especially the concept of a year, tell me what to do. If 2012 had the ability to hold a gun in its hand (Do years have hands?) and told me to change, then yeah, I would change. But it doesn’t. It’s just a concept and I’m not changing for a goddamn concept.

Now it’s admirable that people want to change for the better, but a New Year’s resolution is an ultimately a failed concept. People don’t really change unless they have to and unless 2012 is a crazed gunman that will shoot if changes aren’t made, ultimately a resolution won’t be successful.

Ultimately, making a New Year’s resolution says something about you. Now what does the resolution say about you? You’ll have to look below to find out.

Enjoy.

Resolution #1: “I want to exercise more.”

What does this resolution say about you:  I am a whale who wants to become a beautiful dolphin.

Why your resolution will fail: Whales cannot run.

Resolution #2: “I would like to have a healthier diet.”

What does this resolution say about you:  The fact that I constantly smell like a Big Mac is ruining my love life.

Why your resolution will fail:  After your third day without eating a Big Mac, you realize that while love is good, Big Macs are better.

Resolution #3: “I want to become a nicer person.”

What does this resolution say about you: I have just recently discovered that being called a bitch is not a compliment. My worldview has been completely changed.

Why your resolution will fail: You realize that people need to be frequently told that they are stupid.

Resolution #4: “I want to go to church more.”

What does this resolution say about you:  Your own mother kicked you in the gonads after saying, “I keep the “mas” in Christmas because if the holiday was just “Christ“ ,Christmas would just consist of church and who  in the Hell wants that?”

Why your resolution will fail: Despite your constant prayers, God refuses to heal your now horribly disfigured gonads. You quickly lose faith in God.

Resolution #5:  “I want to drink less.”

What does this resolution say about you: All of these pants-less pictures of me on Facebook are probably going to affect my job prospects.

Why your resolution will fail: You realize that your possible job prospects might have an effect on your drinking habits.

Resolution #6:  “I’ll try to be less materialistic.”

What does this resolution say about you: I kind of feel bad for punching my father after not getting an iPad for Christmas.

Why your resolution will fail: You realize that while family is important, family isn’t WiFi compatible.

Resolution #7: “I will try and become more stylish.”

What does this resolution say about you: The garbage bag that I have been wearing for the past month is finally starting to attract flies.

Why your resolution will fail: You don’t want the money you spent on those camouflage Crocs to go to waste, so you decide that it wouldn’t hurt to wear them.

Resolution #8: “I will get more organized”

What does this resolution say about you:  Someone from TV came to my house and asked me if I wanted to star in Hoarders.

Why your resolution will fail: You realize that being put on TV will make you semi-famous. Semi-fame has been your dream since last week.

Resolution #9:  “I will finally go on a budget.”

What does this resolution say about you:  Eating nothing but ramen is getting old.

Why your resolution will fail: iPhone with laser beam attachment>actual food

Resolution #10: “I want to volunteer for something that I am passionate about.”

What does this resolution say about you:  I feel like I’m only passionate about sleeping anymore.

Why your resolution will fail: You find out that people suck and the sleeping in your bed is the only thing your passionate about.

Resolution #11: “I want to learn a new skill.”

What does this resolution say about you: My once impressive array of pick-up lines are not working anymore and I need to learn something so I can still impress the ladies.

Why your resolution will fail: You will manage to find an online message board completely devoted to developing new pick-up lines.

Resolution #12: “I will start riding a bike instead of driving a car to help stem global warming.”

What does this resolution say about you:  I’m really hoping Al Gore makes a sequel to An Inconvenient Truth. That movie was better than Highlander.

Why your resolution will fail: You realize that winter is kind of a bitch.

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