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It’s the most talked about hypothetical sports question of our time. Jordan vs. LeBron one-on-one represents Old School vs. New School, agility and grit vs. size and power, a time traveling 52-year old man vs. a 30-year old man. And while we may never know the answer for sure, you better believe everyone and their mother has an opinion on it. Jordan thinks he’d beat LeBron. LeBron thinks he’d beat Jordan. And Shaquille O'Neill recently stirred the pot when he came out with his opinion: “Mike”

But the real question is this: “What is every single person in the world’s opinion?” You will find all of the opinions below.


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Magic Johnson: “Jordan found ways to score that no one has ever thought of before. Jordan wins, hands down.”

Kevin Garnett: “I played against both of them and while it’s definitely a tough call, I have to go with LeBron for his sheer power while driving the lane.”

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Everybody in China: “LeBron!”

Kobe Bryant: “I WOULD WIN! Just kidding, haha, yeh…Jordan is my answer.”

Dick Vitale: “Baby Jordan! Oops, I mean Jordan, Baby! …but what if baby Michael Jordan played baby LeBron? Two little babies trying to move a big normal-sized basketball. Just rolling it and falling onto their diapered bottoms…So cute….”

Allen Iverson: “Both were very skilled, but I gotta go with my man, Jordan. I bet a lot of you forgot I was on the Pistons briefly.”

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The full cast of the TV show, Nashville: “Jordan’s one-on-one defense was the least talked about part of his game but also one of the strongest. LeBron’s bigger but I think everyone would be surprised at how little room he’d have to maneuver. So we’re saying Jordan simply for the defense.”

Phil Jackson: “People assume I’d say Jordan but he actually owes me money. Like, a lot of money. I just never bring it up because I’m very rich and I think it would look bad. So I’m going LeBron.”

The 2005 Minnesota Vikings: “One thing we learned from our sex boat controversy is that the times are a-changing and just like how a team of millionaires can no longer have an evening of drunken orgy-style sex on a boat without anyone finding out, we can also no longer deny that players are simply bigger, faster, and more skilled than they were 20 years ago. So, with a heavy heart, we must choose LeBron.”

All men named Jerry: “Are we talking only 1’s, or do 3-pointers count as 2’s? If 3’s count as 2’s then we Jerry’s say LeBron.”

Blondes: “Totally cool with either. Sorry we can’t hang out, we’re headed to the beach. Peace.”

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Scottie Pippen: “There’s no debate: Jordan. Not only was he the best scorer of all time, he was also the best teammate, friend, and godfather to my two daughters Chicago and Bulls of all time. Yes, I named my first daughter Chicago and my second daughter’s name is Bulls.”

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The Weeknd: “[in a voice where it seems like he’s breathing the word more than actually saying it]…Jordan.”

Naughty boys: “Jordan, but what’s it to you, shithead! [long pull on cigarette]”

Silly girls: “Totally LeBrorn…oh my god did I say LeBroRn?! Did you hear me say LeBroRn??!! Awkward….”

Tim Duncan: “The cap is the most fun part of a pen. Also, I choose Michael Jordan, please.”

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MGMT: “KIDS and pretty much all of THE YOUTH will say LeBron, but when it’s TIME TO PRETEND it’s the 90’s, you can’t deny the ELECTRIC FEEL Jordan gave us while on the court. CONGRATULATIONS Michael, we pick you! Yes, we are still currently on hiatus but that doesn’t stop us from having a little fun with our earlier work!”

The novelist, Jonathan Franzen: “Patty”

The types of guys who plan super elaborate engagement videos with a bunch of other people involved, professional dancers and singers, and loads of different camera angles to the point where it’s unclear if this is a proposal of marriage or a plea for attention or just a sad, desperate attempt to jumpstart some romance in an otherwise boring and doomed relationship: “Totally LeBron, dude!”

People who talk like donkeys: “HEE-HAW Jordan, but it’s HEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW! Sorry, meant to say: Jordan, but it’s close.”

All women not previously mentioned: “Whatever Shaq said”

All men not previously mentioned: “None of us are named Jerry. Which sucks! Ugh, whatever, LeBron we guess.”

Final Tally
Jordan: 3,562,500,000
LeBron: 3,562,500,000

So, it looks like we have a tie…oh wait! What’s that? A new baby is being born as we speak…and that baby…votes…

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LeBron!

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