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Many pundits are speculating women voters will be the deciding factor in the presidential election. We like to go to the bathroom together so it makes sense we would vote together. As a woman, I can’t decide what to order at a restaurant or wear for an evening out, so I relied on the debates to help me cast my pink ballot. Women’s ballots are pink, right?

The one thing I said to myself as I flipped on the TV to watch the first debate was, “I am totally craving a Luna bar!” Okay, so I said two things. I also said, “It’s not about the nominees’ policies, but about how they talk to me, as a woman.”

In this regard, Romney started out strong. Barbie taught me as a little girl that “Math is hard!” so I was thankful the Governor left it completely out of his plan. I never would have guessed that unburdening the country from our long and complex economic demise only required 5 steps! As I painted my nails, I thought “That sure is convenient. Thanks, Mr. Romney!” President Obama kept asking for details of this clearly amazing plan. Ug! Didn’t you always hate that guy in school? Blah, blah, blah…next! All I needed to know was that RomRom was going to create a cabillion jobs, not how he was going to do it. Duh!

I charged on to the second debate. This is where Mittens really stole my heart, as if his dreamy hair weren’t enough. He demonstrated he has been a champion for women for like, ever. Can you believe it? As a woman, I love hearing about woman stuff. First, he told the tale of how he basically sent out a search party for women to serve in his cabinet. I have always wondered how jobs managed to find us lady folk. Since we only make up 51% of the population, I know we can be hard to track down. I am thinking it must be because I’ve been wasting my time posting my resume on the Internet. I need to go low-tech and get myself into one of those binders. Thanks for the tip, Mitt!

Next, Governor Romney was like,

“Now one of the reasons I was able to get so many good women to be part of that team was because of our recruiting effort. But number two, because I recognized that if you’re going to have women in the workforce that sometimes you need to be more flexible.”

I really approved of this statement. First, I like that he implied my presence in the workplace is optional, you know, like a garnish. You don’t have to have parsley but it does make your plate look pretty. Second, I appreciate the flexibility Romney promises for women on the job. Since my husband and I have agreed that if we have children he’ll be the one that stays home, a Mittens presidency means lots of “me” time in my future. Calgon, take me away! I’ll vote for any administration that guarantees long lunches so I can get my hair and nails done, and, you know, take care of my other “special needs” as a woman.

I was also fascinated to learn there is a right way to raise children and it didn’t involve love, patience and hard work. MittMitt explained,

“We need moms and dads, helping to raise kids. Wherever possible the — the benefit of having two parents in the home, and that’s not always possible.”

Whew! All you have to do is have a husband? Score one for me! I’m gonna tell all my friends who are single moms to get themselves a man. And I’m going to tell all my friends who are single dads to get themselves a man--Wait, I don't think that's what Mitty meant. We all know what he thinks about two dads, or moms for that matter, “It’s not right on paper. It’s not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.”  Maybe all the single moms and single dads should just get married to each other so their kids don’t start shooting AK-47s.

I thought they were doing an amazing job, but I’m no governor.

And finally, it was time for the third debate. I have to tell you, I knew this one was going to be a snoozefest. As a woman, foreign policy just isn’t on my radar, and it was clear Mr. Romney knew it. I appreciated how he just agreed with everything President Obama was saying so we didn’t have to listen to new strategies and stuff. Plus, I hate arguing. RomRom focused on positive things like how much he loves teachers and peace. As a woman, I love teachers and I love peace. I was actually a sexy hippie for Halloween last year.

Now I realize I can’t base my vote entirely on the debates so the last couple weeks have been critical. First, I was absolutely thrilled that Lindsay Lohan voiced her support of Mitt Romney. She’s a real role model and I respect her choices.

Next and most importantly, it meant a lot to me that Mittens has shown continued support for Richard Mourdock, the Republican Senate candidate who said that if a woman becomes pregnant from rape it is "something God intended." This bold move renewed my confidence that a vote for a republican means a vote for not having to think about hard things, like decisions about my body, my health and my life.  As a woman, I’d rather leave that tough job to the men. Ladies, the choice is clear: Mittens 2012. That Mittens rhymes with kittens is just icing on the conservative cake.

Sincerely,

Bitch

 

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