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November 10, 2016

A hilariously terrible list of twenty comments sure to make any grandchild cringe.

Old people will tell you what’s on their mind without so much as a second thought. Maybe that’s because their patience atrophied along with their bodies. Maybe they’ve just outlived all of their friends and are no longer interested in making new ones. Perhaps their brain is aging like an old jarof prunes. Either way, the older you get the less you seem to care how you’re perceived.

This kind of unabashed honesty normally only exists within children. But I guess after climbing the hill, going over it and reaching the other side you’ve earned the right to stop giving a shit. It doesn’t make it any easier on their audience, however. And it definitely doesn’t make it any easier when it’s coming from your own grandmother.

Here is a list of statements that help prove that thought. Comments that are sure to make any grandchild cringe.

1). “I bet you’re a good kisser.”

Even the dog gagged at hearing this one. That’s a don’t ask, don’t tell type of conversation, Grandma.

2). “Your grandfather had soft hands too.”

Which helps explain all the grandkids but it’s way more information than I needed to know. No more gloves in the gym for this guy.

3). “Twenty years later and I finally find my dildo.”

It’s probably wooden. And I think I’m going to skip dinner tonight. Thanks for destroying my appetite.

4). “I gave up on underwear years ago.”

That’s because adult diapers are just so much more practical. It also helps explain the smell of your apartment, grandma.

5). “Trimming, too.”

Well now I’m going to puke. There’s a certain level of neglect that should never be spoken of. Grandma’s privates probably look like the front lawn of an abandoned house.

6). “Have I ever told you the story of how I lost my virginity?”

At this point I’m just praying that “Virginity” was the name of her wooden dildo. No grandchild should have to suffer this.

7). “At this point my gums are nothing more than silly putty.”

She’sright. They look like a used pack of chewing gum. Too bad grandpa died before he could take advantage of this.

8). “I never expected hair to grow there!”

Please let her be referring to the mustache. Please let her be referring to the mustache. Please let her be referring to the mustache.

9). “If it smells like it died chances are it’s me.”

At least she’s being honest. And given her age the likelihood of this statement coming to fruition increases daily.

10). “Sometimes I need help wiping.”

The table? The windows? My mind won’t let me go any further. Neither should yours.

11). “You’d be surprised at the different colors the veins in your legs can turn.”

Now I know why Grandpa moved out before he died. Grandma’s legs look like a road map of the country.

12). “Porn? We used to just go horseback riding.”

Galloping never seemed less attractive. And now I feel bad for horses.

13). “I know the cat died, I just don’t know where she’s hiding.”

Senility can be fun. Well, until it’s time to feed the cat.

14). “Come help Grammy shave down her callouses.”

Sure thing grandma but first I’m going to stab myself in the eyes with this here rusty spoon. If I survive I’d be more than happy to help you out.

15). “One day you’ll have a neck hump,too.”

And a plastic surgeon to fix it! Genetics are either a blessing or a curse. In this case I’m calling for a priest.

16). “Granny can’t afford a mammogram. Come check me for lumps!”

No more wine for Grandma! And if there are any lumps in there I’m going to have to let you go the way of the Dodo.

17). “Oh that? That’s my bag of toenail clippings.”

Seriously there is not enough soap on the planet to wash these hands. And why the hell is she saving these things?

18). “Role Playing Games? Is that foreplay?”

Damn it, Grandma! I’m on the computer. But maybe.

19). “I think I need to go shopping for caskets.”

I bet she has a coupon for that, too. And do you really go shopping for caskets? Is that thing?

20). “At my age burps and farts pretty much smell the same.”

It’s like a really old town still using their original sewage lines. No service upgrades here. Just the poor, weather beaten plumbing that came with the package.