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July 04, 2016


Generating content for a web site, radio or tv show, newspaper, or survivalist newsletter is a difficult task. Deadlines arrive whether you are ready or not, and combined with the average lack of dependability of writers, there are sometimes issues. Luckily, there is a standard fall back, the Q&A column. So, due to our scheduled piece being delayed by the over indulgence in Norwegian cherry liquor and moon pies by one of our (soon to be former) writers, we instead present another edition of Ask Fred, wherein Fred,, the janitor for the building next door, answers your questions on assorted subjects.

Q: Dear Fred,
I have a teenage son, who has recently gotten his driver’s license. But whenever he borrows the car, he never replaces the gas that he uses. What should I do?
Tired of Being on E
A: Dear Tired,
You need to explain to your son that using the car, is a privilege, not a right, and that if he continues to not replace the gas, that privilege can be taken away. His choice: Buy gas, or walk.

Q: Dear Fred,
I have a problem with one of my co-workers. Whenever he is assigned to work on projects with others, he does the minimum amount of work possible, and then attempts to make it appear as if he was majorly responsible for the results. What can I do to get rid of this problem?
Exasperated in New York
A: Dear Exasperated,
There is a simple solution to this problem. It involves some chloroform, a blanket or rug, shovels, quick lime, and an out of the way location. Please call me at 212-555-3621 to get the details.

Q: Dear Fred,
We have four children and a dog, and they can really make a mess! Our front hallway is ceramic tile, and I have a very hard time getting all the dirt and grime up. Can you give me some tips?
Still Dirty in Detroit
A: Dear Dirty,
I suspect the issue is your mopping technique. To do a thorough mopping, you need to use a two step process. First mop the area with a cleaning solution, making sure to use hot water and a figure eight scrubbing action to loosen the dirt. Your mop should be damp rather than overly wet, to assist in picking up the dirt rather than you spreading it around, and change your mopping solution if it gets too dirty. However, people don’t realize that a substantial amount of dirt is still left behind after this step, no matter how good a job you do removing all the water. So you need to do a second rinse mopping. I recommend adding a small amount of ammonia to water, and, again using a damp mop, just giving the floor a once over. This will remove the remaining dirt.

Q: Dear Fred,
I am employed at the Department of Defense, but am actually an Iranian spy. My assignment is to steal nuclear secrets, and while I’ve obtained all the older gun assembly style bomb designs, I have not been able to get any designs for a plutonium based high explosive lens device. I’m afraid that this will affect my performance bonus. Any advice?
“David Simmons” - Washington
A: Dear Colonel Khayla,
I believe that you are looking in the wrong place. What you need to do is gain access to the computer of Robert Tanwith, office 1287. His password is HaFerf0rd927, click on the icon that says Archived Payroll. This is actually a decoy name, and will take you to a two step login. First, click on the picture of the barn, and enter StaMf0rd$, then in the next screen, user username TanwithR and password dEve10PmenTal#Th30ry. The data you want will be in the files labeled U73XB21 project. Make sure to wipe down the keyboard and mouse when you are done.