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March 16, 2015
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Hi there! Glad you stopped in to my real estate office! Are you looking for a house here in beautiful Ferguson, Missouri? Oh, you're definitely not? Well fuck me.

Though the months of protests and police clashes in Ferguson, Missouri, have brought welcome changes to the city’s police department (now certified racist!), the ongoing unrest and violence have been tough on the town, especially the real estate market. Even local realtors are having trouble maintaining their natural chipperness. Here is one doing her best.

Ferguson real estate.jpg

Hi there! Glad you stopped in to my real estate office! Are you looking for a house here in beautiful Ferguson, Missouri?

Oh, you’re just taking shelter from danger? That’s OK, I’m used to that! My office is beautifully situated for ducking away from clouds of tear gas, riots, and guns of all kinds. But as long as you’re here, why don’t I show you some of my wonderful property listings!

Please just let me do this. Please.

OK! While you wash the tear gas out of your eyes in my milk fountain (a good real estate agent knows how to serve her market!) I’ll just describe some of the beautiful properties we have available here.

There’s a wonderful 4-bedroom house over on North Florissant. Great school district, granite countertops, and incredible views of historic North Florissant Avenue! Ha, ha, it is too historic, as of last summer! I’m pretty sure it’ll be in plenty of history books! I expected this one to be snapped up right away when it went on the market back on August 8, but, well, you know!

No? Maybe you’re not ready for such a large home. If you’re a first time buyer, how about a two-bedroom starter house in the southwest side of town. It’s a real up-and-coming neighborhood, affordable but extremely safe — it’s very far from the police station!

Yes. I said far. I’m not going to lie to you about the state of things.

Wait, don’t go! Ferguson is still an incredible town and a great place to raise a family. It’s a convenient commute to St. Louis, it’s got charming parks, and your kids can get a world-class education here! Especially about race relations in America! They will be educated about that, repeatedly, every day! Also, you can get an incredible deal on a home, because so many are in foreclosure because the police department is basically a citywide extortion racket targeting black people! I didn’t mean to sound so excited about that part but it’s a fact of the real estate market here!

I haven’t had a sale in months! I had to get this smile surgically implanted on my face!

OK, here’s one absolute gem. I’ll talk you through it quickly so you can get back to the protest (although I don’t know what your hurry is — it’s definitely not going anywhere!). It’s a great investment — it’s priced way too low because no one wants to live in this town! It’s a three bedroom within walking distance of City Hall if you want to join the protests, which I do every day because Ferguson is still a cesspool of systemic racism and violence and hatred! It’s my house! Please buy my house!

No? OK! Take a complimentary coaster with my email address!

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