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Published December 08, 2011

I have always secretly suspected Mrs. Clause to be a stripper. Why else would Santa be so jolly all the time and is there really any other explanation for the pole???? Rumour has it that Santa learned the sliding down the chimney thing back when he used to sneak into Mrs. Clause’s house when she was a teenager. He always brought a present for her in his bag. But because it was so dark and he was young and inexperienced he would always call out to her “Ho?     Ho?     Ho?” in his booming voice and that would wake everybody up and of course he didn’t get any action back then. Predictably, he turned to the dark side, moved a few letters around to change his name, and went through his well-documented Satan years. I won’t rehash all that but a new, previously unreleased bombshell, is that Satan (Santa) was responsible for the curious lack of northern penguins!! Anyway, Mrs. Clause figured out how to sneak out of her parent’s house so that she could go cruising with Satan in his sleigh. They would have great fun chasing and running over penguins (apparently they pop hilariously when first hit). The young couple also enjoyed romantic nights parked at the long ago closed down, short lived “Midnight Sun” drive-in theater, watching the northern lights while cuddling. This is where he made his move, asking her for some nookie and to wear her silk. But she was still a little deaf from all the popping penguins and thought he asked for cookies and milk. But once she understood, they got it on! Again, I will stay away from the dirty details but let’s just say this was the inspiration behind his naughty list! They did some crazy stuff and it really messed up Rudolf. His face was so red that it took years of therapy to restore it to the point that only his nose was red. His therapy obviously continues. But because Satan was finally getting some action, he changed his name back to Santa and, using the skills he had learned during his younger days, began spreading good cheer around the world. And he has continued for countless years so this is proof positive that Mrs. Clause is still putting out! And we are talking the real hot kinda luvin because the northern ice is receding...

I bet if all the men on earth were getting “Mrs. Clause” kinda luvin there would be world piece...

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